Reflecting Light

Welcome to the Twilight Zone...

2012-01-30T10:45:00.001-05:00

This happened about two weeks ago and I've been trying to remember to post about it ever since! So, let me entertain you with a tale of my little trip into the twilight zone.I try to leave my house in the morning with enough time so that I have time to get to the break room for my work-which is located in a different part of the mall than the store I work in so I can drop off my lunch and various items. It doesn't always work out with enough time(the snooze alarm is NOT your friend!!), but on this particular day the timing (and traffic) was good. I usually park on the fourth level and make my way down to the 2nd level in various different ways. This particular day I decided to walk down a short flight of stairs to the third level of the mall (where the food court and all is) and take the elevator down to the second. I hit the button a few times, but it was taking forever to come. I could see from the reflection across the way that they were all just sitting on the second level, but not moving, no matter how many times I hit the button. Seeing as I had enough time I decided to just make my way around to the escalator instead. As I walk around to it, I look over to the bank of elevators and as I step on to the escalator I realize that not only are they all on the second floor, but that they seem to have a few people stuck in the middle one. This is where the twilight zone kicks in...there are two people stuck in the elevator and one of them looked SO much like me from 8 months ago that I literally was dumbstruck. The girl had short hair, was wearing a red fleece type shirt (like our store's holiday colors), and jeans...and was about the size I was about 8 months ago. I couldn't stop looking at her. I really feel like I was looking into some sort of time vortex mirror from what I used to look like. I was so distracted that I had reached the bottom of the escalator and almost fell, but just ended up making my foot come out of the heel of my shoe. Anybody watching me probably would have laughed. Anyways. I really don't know what all this means, if anything...by the time I got back around from going to the break room the elevator was working again and she was long gone, so I never got a fantastic look at her. But seriously, from afar-it was me. Overall the incident has given me extra incentive to keep going down the weight loss track that I have started on. It seems to be taking SO long sometimes, and then at other times-it's just flown by. Most of all I'm just trying to stay motivated, keep making good choices, and keep putting myself and my health first. It was weird, but it made me think..and appreciate the work I've done so far.

Happy New Year..and deep thoughts...and mucus...

2012-01-05T08:37:00.005-05:00

I find myself waxing philosophical these days. That tends to happen when I'm not feeling well and man have I NOT been feeling well. I got a pretty bad cold towards the middle of doing Jekyll and Hyde, in fact it developed into bronchitis and laryngitis (the singer's worst nightmare) but my doctor put me on the z-pak and it cleared it right up. Fast forward about a month later and on January 2nd I sneezed at 8:13am EST..and it all started up again! (and I'm only slightly dramatic). That one sneeze opened up the doorway to a full blown sinus infection/fever/cold/plague that sent me home early on Tuesday and out of work on Wednesday and to the doctor..again. I used to be a hypochondriac as a child so I really try not to go to the doctor anymore. It really burns me up that I have had to go twice in the last two months! Good thing I have good insurance. He put me on amoxicillin and suggested decongestants as well. It's really miserable not being able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.

Anyways, while laying around yesterday feeling sorry for myself I started to think about life..and love. Almost four years ago now I took a class on the life and works of C.S. Lewis. I got to travel to England and walk where he walked and study his words in detail. I, being my typical self, procrastinated reading the material of course, and had to read a lot of it on the plane ride over..and I find now that I want to re-read it and really appreciate it. He wrote in "The Four Loves": “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” I really appreciate this and wanted to share it with you. Something to think about as we start a new year..don't let yourself be locked away, holding your love to yourself. You have to step out there...be vulnerable..be willing to share. It's the only way to truly live...in my opinion at least.

After the show is over....

2011-12-08T14:34:00.004-05:00

Depression sets in...sigh.

So, Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has finished its final performance, the set has been torn down and the next show is already working up on stage. I know it's inevitable but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. This show, these people, this experience..was different. I truly got along with pretty much everyone involved (a miracle with such dramatic people around =) and I suspect that the friendships forged from the show and the ones that were strengthened, are going to be friendships that will last a lifetime. I loved every moment of working on it. I can honestly say that I never took this role or this time for granted and that I truly appreciated every moment. So, when this Friday rolls around and I'm getting ready to head somewhere other than the theater (this Friday you can find me singing in a concert at my church...7:30pm, LBBC 2460 Potters Road, Virginia Beach, VA fix are $5)...I will have a moment of reflection. I'll think about the wonderful times we had, and treasure those memories.

Ch-ch-changes...

2011-11-15T11:37:00.005-05:00

I just can't get over the difference you can see in my face from about a year ago. My friend, Paul Costen (check out his work paulcosten.com, he's fantastic) took this picture a little over a year ago for publicity photos for a show I was involved with at the Little Theater of Norfolk (Forbidden Broadway). I can't stop looking at it, and then looking at me now. I've lost only 39 pounds, officially...but I think I may have been heavier than even my starting weight for Weight Watchers back in July of this year. Anyways, I took these two pics and edited them on my phone by using an app called Diptic. It allows you to group photos together. I think the picture gives you a good idea of where I've come from, and where I'm heading. Thanks for listening/reading.

p.s. In the meantime, one weekend of Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has already passed. Don't let the next three weekends pass without making your reservation and coming to see it! Call 757-428-9233 and leave your reservation now, don't delay! We're already fully reserved for this Sunday..but there are plenty of other dates available!

Reflections...

2011-11-01T22:35:00.003-04:00

This is going to be a bit of wandering so bear with me..but I have had some thoughts ruminating and it's time to get them down on to the proverbial 'paper'. I spend a lot time thinking about how I can improve myself. I know I might not always look like much from the outside, but I'm constantly analyzing how I could have done something differently or even better. It's not in my nature to remain content at the status quo..on some things, yes..but not others. For so long I just ignored how I was treating my body-to the point where my body was about ready to stop on me. It was only then that I had to stop and take notice of the fact that what I was doing to myself was wrong, and even sinful. You know from reading my blogs here that I've been pursuing weight loss surgery as a 'fix-all' for my weight problems. My insurance requires me to be on a diet for six months so I decided to join Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and I knew that it worked for me when I was diligent about tracking my points. I jokingly referred to myself as the 'points nazi'. Being like that had its pros..I lost almost 75 pounds in about 8 months..but the cons were that as soon as I stopped paying attention and got lazy...the pounds crept back up and they brought friends along with them. People toss around the terminology 'lifestyle change' but I'm here to say...this thing is legit. I still have some bad eating habits, but what I put in my body..and how much of it I put in there (that's what she said) have changed drastically. I've officially lost 36.2 pounds since July 2nd..and I continue to keep on. I'm still on the books at the weight loss doctor to go through with surgery-but I'm thinking I might just try this thing on my own. What I'm doing so far has worked...I want to see if I can keep it up..or down in this instant really. In the meantime everything in my life is GOING AMAZING. I have a lead role in a show, I got some good news at work, I have made amazing new friends, and I'm busier now than I've ever been (to the point that I didn't think was possible). In all this I still have my days of struggle...wrestling with feelings about inadequacy on my own part and having a truly awful self image. I'm working through it with the help of some beautiful friends who have been and continue to be my pillars in this strange time of life. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you. Mere words couldn't ever express how I feel about you. I have been regularly exercising since the end of July and I'm loving the way that my body is changing shape. Please pray for me if you think about it. I am processing a lot right now and while it's all good-it's a lot to take in. Some days I just want to roll under the covers and give up. But I won't.

Thanks for listening.

Not What I Thought I'd Be Posting, but...

2011-08-09T23:39:00.003-04:00

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Both C.S. Lewis

I have had a blog floating around in my head for about a week or so, but I'm going to let that one marinate a bit longer. I had some deep revelations last week about this journey of weight loss that I'm on, and I don't want to treat it too tritely. It deserves a well thought out post and I'm feeling more sentimental than analytic tonight.

Over the years I have gathered many friends whom I hold dear. There are a few in particular that I know would drop whatever they were doing at a moment's notice to be by my side in a time of need. I love them with all of my heart and I thank God that He has blessed me with people in my life that I don't deserve. That first quote I put in from C.S. Lewis really touches me-I like a lot of weird stuff. It amazes me that the weird stuff that I like is not only appreciated by others-but also embraced! These people also tolerate me at the worst times of my life and support me in my most idiosyncratic days. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get these people around me-but I think God knew what He was doing. On the days when I'm sad about not having a significant other to share things with-God reminds me of the many wonderful friends that I have in my life and that some people don't even have that and I'm reminded to be grateful of what I do have.

Just a small example of the kind of friendship I'm talking about: Today, As I counted up the points (I'm doing Weight Watchers now ...I think I mentioned that in my last post? I can't remember) for my lunch my friend patiently waited to ask me any questions or distract me-because she knows that this process is important to me. Just a small example of the kind of person God has put in my life. That's where that second quote comes into play...friendship isn't necessary-but it sure does make living more bearable.

To all of my dear, awesome, supportive, soul sister/brother, bosom friends- I LOVE YOU. Thank you for everything that you've done for me in the past, and for what you'll probably do for me in the future. I hope I can be the kind of friend that you deserve.

The Doctor is..IN!

2011-07-15T11:24:00.001-04:00

Since my last update I have found out all kinds of news..most important being that (drumroll please...) my insurance approved the surgeon I wanted to go with! Yay! I'm trying to remain proactive with all of this so I scheduled my first appointment with them on Wednesday afternoon. My workplace has been AMAZING to work with in getting all of my various appointments covered so I can leave pretty easily without causing too much inconvenience to my coworkers.

That thought brings me to a slight tangent- I work 'retail' but it's the most un-retail like retail job that there possibly could be. I sometimes miss working in an office with a set schedule-but this job definitely has been really great for me. I am up and moving around, work with amazing people (although I still miss my office peeps-you know who you are) and I work for one of the best companies out there. I can't say what it is on the blog because of policy-but if you know me then you probably know where I work so it doesn't really need to be said, does it? =)

One of the perks of my job are the amazing benefits that I get as a full time employee. Our insurance utilizes a company called "Bariatric Resource Services" that is dedicated to just helping me through this process (after making sure that I meet all of the qualifications first of course!). I have been assigned both a nurse case manager and a customer service coordinator that makes sure that all of my questions are answered and that I have all of the forms I need. Between them and the surgical group that I'm using it really is my own darn fault if I fall behind on things! As soon as I found out that I had to be on a 6 month diet supervised by my doctor I immediately went and scheduled an appointment with my general physician. He and I agreed on the Weight Watchers solution and I started attending meetings two weeks ago tomorrow. I had my first weigh in last Saturday (on my birthday of all days) and have already lost 2.4 lbs! I love that Weight Watchers has joined the technological world. I signed up for the monthly plan which comes with access to all of their web services and most importantly (to me, at least) that info coordinates with free apps from the app store that I have loaded on both my iPhone and my iPad. AND THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER! I can keep track of my points and my weight loss numbers all through my apps so that I never have to worry about writing down what I eat and counting the points for it-it's all through the app! I cannot tell you enough how much of a help this is! Weight Watchers worked the best for me when I did it about 5 years ago and lost about 65 lbs in a year. I was a self proclaimed points-nazi and would write down every single bite, lick or taste (blt's they call them) that happened. I was also working out regularly and I have never felt better in my life. As soon as I stopped counting those points though and got lazy with it and the weight creeped back up. I'm hoping that with this new app I will continue to be able to keep track of my points and lose weight before any possible surgery.

On a serious note, some of you have expressed concern about me going the surgery route altogether. Believe me-I hear you and I understand where you are coming from-but until my doctors say, hey-maybe this isn't the right thing for you-then I'm going to continue to go toward this. I appreciate your concern and welcome feedback-as long as it is kept in a positive light. Thanks!

So, what are my steps from now on? I have some things I need to take care of like getting an EKG, a chest x-ray, some other medical tests and set up appointments for support groups and psychological evaluations (hope they don't think I'm crazy!). The show I've been working on opens tonight and I'm trying out for another one tomorrow...and I still have my full time, 40 hour/week job and my second job helping out the music ministry at church...somewhere in there I need to fit in a regular workout schedule! I joined a 24 hour type of gym a few months ago and so far have only been a few times! I really am determined to go back and hope to slip it back into my schedule in the next week or so. You guys keep me accountable on that, k? So that is about it for now. I will continue to update this blog and let you know how things are going. All told-we're looking at the earliest possible surgery date in January. I'm sure the time will fly!

Finally! An update!

2011-06-07T23:03:00.006-04:00

So, I kind of dropped off of the blog sphere there for a few months. I got really busy between work trainings and a show that I'm working on that I had to keep rescheduling the free seminar that I needed to attend to get the actual ball rolling on the whole surgical thing. I only have a few minutes so I'll have to keep this at bullet points. Here goes:

1) I meet the requirements of the surgery for my insurance group but there are some hoops that I will still need to jump through: a) i have to be on a six month diet supervised by my doctor and b) I have to get a psychological consult

2) I am waiting to hear from the insurance company on whether or not the surgical group that I want to go through is covered by them. If it's not, I'll have to start all over with other people but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be okay. I should hear something by the end of this week or soon after the holiday weekend.

3) My doctor and I decided that a good diet for me to be on is Weight Watchers so I will be starting to attend that this weekend (eek).

4) I'm excited about all of this!

I'm sleeping with the sleep mask now and I have a follow up check up on that tomorrow with my neurologist (ha. i have a neurologist!) tomorrow. They're going to see that I haven't worn it all the time. Whoops.

5) For my surgery I am leaning towards getting the 'sleeve' vs 'lap band' or 'roux y en (bypass)" but I will defer to what my doctors prefer. My GP seems to be leaning towards bypass-only because it's been around longer and has proven results.

That's it for now-I have to run back to work-but I didn't want this to go too much longer without posting some kind of update!

The end result I'm seeing with all of this is that I'm looking at a possible surgery sometime in January. Wish me luck! And prayers are welcome!!!!! =)

Thank you all for your support!

Sleep Test 2: Sleep Harder! (The MASK...)

2011-05-04T11:39:00.000-04:00

I got the results of THE SLEEP TEST (again-all caps-because wow, what an experience) last friday and friends-they were NOT good. Which, if you are following along with me in this journey, you know is actually 'good' for my ultimate goal. I stopped breathing an average of 45 times an hour. This means that every time I stop breathing my brain goes--WHOA! She's not breathing! Wake her up!! It sends a message to make that happen and one of the results of this process is that acid builds up in the blood. Over time the acidity in the blood can lead to heart damage which is why this is one of those 'morbidity' things. My blood oxygen level was about 80% and from my brief research on the topic you want to keep your level over 90% to be healthy. I knew that things with me were not good...I'm tired all of the time..slightly grumpy...etc..but I didn't know it was this bad. They got me scheduled for another sleep test and this time it was for the following night..just how you want to spend your saturday night, right? Hooked up to some sensors? The bonus for this test though was that I would be attempting to sleep with a cpap machine mask on. The machine shoots air through a hose which is attached to a mask that's placed on your face. I prefer to sleep with my mouth closed so we tried a nasal only mask as the full mask made me feel claustrophobic (further confirming my suspicions that I'll never be able to scuba dive--that mask makes me feel trapped). My sleep tech this time was a guy named Will and there was only one other patient at the lab that night so..yeah. That's just weird. I never saw her. I was all sensored up and masked by 9:30 and he turned the lights out on me about 9:45. I watched an episode of Doctor Who on my iPad because I wasn't sleepy yet-and I bet I looked really funny. With the mask on I can't wear my glasses-but it was also difficult to move again because of the sensors and the mask impeding my mobility. So I kind of held the iPad to my left side and watched with just my left eye--the mask made it so that I'd have to hold the iPad out further to see with both eyes...and I'm so blind that I can't really hold it that far away and still see it clearly! lol. So, I was getting sleepy after the episode but when I went to turn it off I had another small burst of energy....I read for a few minutes but then I just got so sleepy! The air constantly pushing through the mask really forced me to breathe clearly and deeply and I found myself drifting off into never-never land. I woke up some time later--maybe around 2:30? And I was like..BAM. READY TO GO! I had slept very deeply and my body isn't really used to it so after about 3 and a half hours it was fully rested. Which was a problem though because I still had a few hours left in the lab. Will, who is monitoring my brain waves this whole time (so weird), can tell that I'm awake and suggests that I try to sleep on my side for a bit. I tried, but the mask wasn't really suited for it and kept blowing a little stream of air right onto my eye socket which is annoying. I got hot..threw off the covers...and turned back on my back...and next thing I know I'm having a dream about being COLD. I wake up and realize I want those covers back on..get them back on and then drift off again. Will woke me up at about 4:50am...he said they got enough for the sleep study and that we were good. So...if I thought I was ready to go at 2:30..I was even more ready at 5am. I can't even believe what a difference it made to sleep with the mask-and now that my body knows the difference it's like..hey, um..can we get that back? Pretty please?!? Will assured me that I did really well with the mask and that my body acclimated itself to it like a champ. Yay for me. I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks (couldn't fit into my schedule this week) and hopefully I'll be getting set up with a machine of my own.

It's kind of disconcerting on some level to know that from now on I'll have to sleep with a machine on in order to get a good night's sleep and I'm sure it'll take some adjustment to really get used to wearing the mask (it wasn't exactly comfortable)..but I felt so great on Sunday..so even keeled and level headed. I haven't felt like that in a long time-and I didn't even know what I was missing. My next step in the process is attending a weight loss surgery information session with Sentara..it's free (yay) and I've got it in about two weeks. But, we're really doing this. This is happening. Pretty crazy.

THE SLEEP TEST

2011-04-27T22:58:00.001-04:00

Writing the title of this blog in all caps was the only way to approach it. To say that I was dreading the sleep test could possibly be the understatement of the year. It was to take place on the Monday night of a very busy week. If I could have postponed it even further, believe me-I would have. I've been nothing other than honest with you about how much I like to put these kinds of things off but I'm trying to put that sort of behavior in the past and be as proactive as possible. So, I made my appointment and I was keeping it. Tuesday night was choir rehearsal, Wednesday night was a special service at church where the choir was to sing (and I had a solo), Thursday night was a dress rehearsal for Friday night's concert and the Easter Sunday service. Like I said-a busy week. To truly tell this sleep test story right I should start with describing a bit of the appointment I had at the neurology place before the sleep test. I went in there not really knowing what exactly to expect but it was pretty routine in doctor appointment standards in that they give you a questionnaire to fill out (i.e. have you ever had trouble sleeping before?...do you watch tv in bed?....do you eat in bed..? Have you ever thought about giving up on life...That one threw me for a loop! People who don't get a lot of sleep really do lead more stressful lives apparently). Then they take you back to get you weighed and measured (on the scale and blood pressure taken) and the nurse asks you some of the questions that you answered on the questionnaire (why do they do this? are they trying to trip you up? Make sure you really know the answer to "have you ever been told you snore before?"). She leaves and then a few minutes later a man knocks on the door and enters-I don't catch his name but his title is like PA or something. Basically he's not the 'doctor-doctor', we'll call him the dress rehearsal man. This man has the personality of a drugged turtle. He asked me a few questions (again the same ones I'd already answered on paper form and been asked of by the nurse) and then went into a spiel about Obstructive Sleep Apnea, or OSA and the leading factors of what causes it and the treatments thereof. If I had wanted to ask a question during this discourse (which felt more like I was listening to a pre-recorded lecture) I don't think I could have because he didn't pause even once. Not even to take a breath. Okay, he might have taken a breath. Or he might have been a robot. Either way, the drugged turtle said his spiel and was on his way out murmuring that the doctor would be in soon. Okaayyyy...the doctor comes in (Dr. Sheh. pronounced ), introduces himself and immediately I take a liking to him as he actually smiles and has a personality! Yay! He's noticed my iPad in my hands and asks about it-turns out he's a Mac fan and uses them as well. I knew I liked him! Anyways, I explain my main reason for wanting to get tested for sleep apnea was for possible weight loss surgery and he is very supportive. He explained that the insurance companies will probably want me to be in treatment already (very helpful info!) and sends me on my way to talk to the sleep test coordinator (there is such a thing! what a weird job that would be-yes, we'd like you to come sleep at so and so time on so and so night...be there or be square...). She's very nice and I'm scheduled and set up with a follow up appointment as well for 4/29/11 at 2:15 (that'd be this Friday).

That brings us to..THE NIGHT OF THE SLEEP TEST! If this was a 1950's horror movie there'd be a lady screaming in the background as the title of the movie flashed up with creepy organ music blaring as well. I went there in my jammies (they request that you wear shorts rather than long pants as they have to hook up your legs), iPad, iPhone, iPod and pillow in tow. Also wearing a shirt from work. Could I be a bigger nerd? I'm sorry though-they give us all these shirts-they're obviously going to be worn to sleep in once their shelf life at the store is over. But I digress. I pull up to the sleep lab, get buzzed in and meet my sleep tech-Tina. She shows me where the bathroom is and leads me to a room and asks me to relax (AS IF), and watch a video that is keyed up on the tv in the room. The room itself is like a moderately priced hotel room. Not too fancy, but sufficient. Oh, and unlike a hotel-the nightstand is covered in weird looking machines that have flashy lights. So, I watch the video which is all about OSA and how horrible it is for your health and how people have coped with it..blah blah blah. I half watched it while I tried to ease my way into feeling comfortable in this room. Tina comes back in and lets me know that I'll be 'wired up' around 9:30 and oh good-I have the perfect length hair for what they need to put on my head. "great" i think....So, I settle in and watch an episode of Doctor Who Series 5 on my iPad (thank you again, Ernie) and try to 'relax'. I finish the episode and wait for Tina to come in-she's a bit later than 9:30-but no matter. She comes in around 9:45 and we begin the process of 'wiring me up'. Friends, believe me when I say this-I never want to do this again. ever. A strap goes around my 'chest area', another around my waist, sensors are stuck to my legs, neck, and ALL over my head. I lose count. Then she puts this thing in my nose and on TOP of that an air hose on top of that...all of these things are to measure things like restless legs, if I clinch my teeth, if I stop breathing..etc. Most of the sensors were plugged into a little box that looked like a beefed up power strip thingie, and-for the time being-hung on my chest strap. She left me on my own for a bit. Where of course I proceeded to take a picture of myself in this ridiculous get up. Some of you have seen this picture. The sexiness in it knows no bounds so I'm keeping it from Facebook. If you ask me nicely I'll show you-but there's no way I'm ever posting it on the interwebz. She came back around 10:15 or so, had me lay down and finished hooking me up to the wall and the flashy light machines on the nightstand table and it was 'lights out' around 10:30. Most of you know that I don't go to bed this early. So we have that going against me, plus the fact that I was in a strange place, and oh..HOOKED UP TO 15,000 wires. (I may exaggerate a bit). When I had an MRI last fall the thing that I hated the most about it was not being able to move in the tube. That procedure was only a half hour long. This was to be hours of torture. I tried to calm myself down...prayed...counted sheep...thought about life..and I think I finally drifted away for a little bit but by 12:30 I was wide awake. And I had to pee. Bad. I'd been instructed that if such a thing were to come up I'd just have to call out and Tina would come unhook me so I could 'go'. I hated everything about having to do that. I don't like to be a bother and then there was the very real fear that I'd get some of the wires in the toilet by accident and then where would we be?!? Also-it freaked me out that all I had to do was call out. That means she was listening to me. Perhaps even watching me. Creepy! Anyways, I went to the bathroom without incident and we settled me back in to try and sleep some more. She suggested I try on my side this time-as I might be less restless. Sigh. It worked for a bit. But then my brain started racing again. And I didn't feel I could move. And why was the bed so plastic-y sounding/ Could they hear me if I farted? Would I have to do this whole stupid thing over again if I couldn't sleep at all? Was I the worst person ever that they'd tried to test? You know..the usual. I must have drifted off after a while..but then I was wide awake again around 3:30. I know because I checked my iPad. I laid there for another hour (it seemed-probably not that long) and finally they woke me up around 5:30. It was 'over'. Tina came to unhook me..I ran for the bathroom (my bladder is not what it used to be. Youngins! Treat your bladder nicely! It will pay you back later if you don't!). Tina assured me that I did indeed sleep a bit and that I have nothing to worry about in getting the insurance to cover the weight loss surgery-in her opinion I definitely have sleep apnea.

Around 6 I head home to shower and get ready for work. When I showered I found a piece of gauze in my hair. So weird. It was a horrible night and I hope I never have to relive it-but I probably will when they test me with a mask on. Something to look forward to. NOT!

It's one step closer to my goal though-so I guess it's worth it. I'll post soon about my sleep test results (the official ones-not just Tina the tech's opinion. Although she was very good and professional)

Testing testing 1 2 3

2011-04-21T15:43:00.000-04:00

Last week I had an abnormal 'weekday' day off so I used it for running various errands. Tux Badkitty had a vet appointment the previous week and I'd been putting off delivering a sample of his poo. It takes a lot of motivation to work up to delivering cat poo. You have to time it right as I assume that the 'sample' needs to be fresh and timing a fresh poo with when I had time to take it over to the vet office was tricky. There's not much more of a humbling experience than driving down the road with a fresh cat poo sample.

But I digress. The main thing I was concerned with that day was getting a lipid profile done. The blood sample I had taken on 'errand day' wasn't so bad. The phlebotomist was amazing and I had barely even a mark, much less a bruise. Usually they have a hard time finding a good vein so this was a welcome change!

So, why all of this testing? Basically my doctor and I are building up evidence as to why insurance should cover my potential surgery for weight loss. They are looking for co-morbidities. Or, combined things that, if left unchecked, would cause my eventual death. Sobering thought, eh? I already have one tick mark on the list but we're looking for one additional (if not two). Morbidity number one was found back when I had an MRI done after a back injury. They found that not only do I have arthritis in my spine (ugh) but also have degenerative joint disease (here's a link to it if you want to read more about it: ). This is something that they usually see develop in someone much older than myself and it can be directly related to/tied with my obesity. So, that's morbidity number one. If my cholesterol turns out to be high-that'd be another morbidity-and those two should be enough but you all know me-when have I ever done anything halfway? =) My doctor also wanted me to get an OSA test. What is this, you may ask? It's Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Testing for this isn't as easy as a pinprick and a vial of blood, unfortunately. I also used 'errand day' to make my appointment to see the sleep doctor which I was able to schedule for a morning when I was going in late to work (score!). I want to definitely write a blog about this experience, but I'll save it for another day.

I had to hound my doctor's office to get my lipid profile results. I called the Thursday after and the person answering the phone said that the results were in and that the nurse would call me with them later. Okayyy...So, Monday rolls around and I haven't heard anything so I call again and this time get a voice mail. I leave a nice voice message asking them to please give me a call back with the results..and by Wednesday I still hadn't heard so I called again. I already have a history of avoiding things like this so I'm trying to change that, can't they see that? Michelle Jenkins was with me when I called and was able to witness my polite annoyance and then more annoyance as it became clear that they have had the results for a while and had neglected to call me (her exact words were-"Oh, No one has called you yet?" No, lady-I just decided to randomly call and get them again!?! This is the point of the story where I should add that my doctor's office recently went through a staff change and the lady that's been there for YEARS, since I was a small child...has retired and everyone that works there now is new). She said that my triglycerides are high and that the doctor noted that it's chylamydia...or something. To which I'm like..eh?!?! What now? (Michelle can attest to my reaction at this point in the conversation). I'm reasonably sure that there's no possible way I could have chlyamydia...unless someone infected me while I was unawares. I then realized she was trying to say CO-MORBIDITY! What in the sam-hill!?!?! lol So, world-I do not have chlyamydia...but I do have high cholesterol-officially. So, that's one more tick mark on the Morbidity list-for whoever is keeping track.

Coming soon...the perilous adventures of a sleep apnea test...or "how I tossed and turned all night with 15,000 wires attached to my body while trying to sleep in a strange place"

Good times!

The Proverbial Cat...

2011-04-15T23:55:00.003-04:00

No, I'm not talking about my darling lazercat-Tux. I'm talking about what's going on with me. So, if you didn't know me in real life you might think that I'm a bit of a downer after that last post. I'm not..usually. No, I promise. It's just that I've been trying to come to terms with a decision and I've finally made the decision. I have been struggling with when I was going to tell people...or if I was even going to tell people...and I'm still not sure of the answer but I've never really held back before, why should I start now? I'm going to be very blunt on this process. I don't plan on holding back, at all so this won't be for the faint of heart. You're probably wondering what I'm getting at by this point. The thing is..I'm considering gastric bypass surgery.

I guess the thing that is holding me back is whether or not it will actually happen. I am in the process now of getting tests done with the goal of being able to go to my insurance company with evidence as to why they should pay for it. If I'm not successful in getting them to cover the bill then this whole thing will be for naught because there's no way I can pay for the operation in my own. It could cost anywhere from $18-$35k. Yikes.

As a sort of explanation as to why I've gone this route here is an ultimate timeline (since birth) of the process thus far:

1977-1995- I spent most of these years believing that I am fat and unattractive. Particularly from 3rd grade on (when I started to develop breasts). Kids can be cruel. I look back now at pictures of myself from my senior year in high school....and wow. I would love to look like that again. But perception at the time was different, I definitely could have lost some weight-sure-but it was just a drop in the pan compared to what I'm facing today. So, that leads us to the time after high school...

1995-1999- with said belief that I am fat-I act accordingly. That way I don't have to be the reason that someone didn't like me back romantically the way that I like them-it was just my weight they couldn't see through, right? I spent most of that time thinking that the weight was something that had happened to me, not something I did to myself. At the end of my college career I probably had put on about 30 more pounds in addition to the 20 or so I had been carrying at the beginning of my time at school.

1999-2000ish- a period of great transition and fear in my life. I probably put on a good 60-70 maybe even 100 pounds in this time. I had just graduated from college, no clue what I wanted to do with myself and lots of free time. Bad combination.

The new millennium- I have steadily increased in weight with the exception of 2003 or 2004 when I joined weight watchers At one time I was down 75 lbs, but I stopped going and it all came back on- and brought some friends. I am my own worst enemy.

Present Day-I've been steady around the *** pound mark. God. I can't even type that out without some disbelief, sorry I can't even write the number out for you. I'm still too ashamed. I don't feel like I 'look' like I weigh that much...I liken it to how I believe an anorexic must look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing but fat. When I look in a mirror at myself I see me-the way I expect to see me-not that big. But when catching a glance of myself by accident or faced with a picture taken of myself - I see me for how I really look. Huge. It's the weirdest thing.

My goal is to have that person that I catch a corner of an eye glimpse of match the person I see looking at me in the mirror. I know she's there..she's just waiting to come out.

So, where are we now? I'm in the process of getting tested for some things that if they all equal up to a certain point-then the insurance should cover it. It's kind of weird..I feel like I'll be saying-congrats 'self', you're falling apart! Now they'll let you do the surgery.

A week ago Thursday (the 6th) I went to see my GP..he's 100% behind me on this..I went this past Monday to get my lipids checked (for cholesterol) and had an appointment this morning for a sleep doctor. We're pretty sure I have sleep apnea-and if you've ever had the misfortune of being in the same room as me when I'm sleeping I think you'd agree!

There we have it, random cyber-land people. I'm considering gastric bypass. There. I said it. It's real now.

I'll keep you posted on the process through this blog-facebook-ers-you can get it faster if you subscribe to me in a blog reader. the link is http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com I personally use Google Reader to keep track of all of the blogs I read. It's great. Anyways...feel free to comment here. All encouragement is welcome. If you have concerns-those are welcome as well-but email me please-let's keep things positive!

Something about Spring...

2011-03-29T21:57:00.003-04:00

I posted on Twitter earlier (follow me! twitter.com/shawlaw) that I was feeling strangely contemplative/sentimental and that I might feel a blog coming on...two of my friends encouraged me. So, now that I'm home from choir/praise band rehearsal and I have a load of laundry in..I might as well.

So....I first became aware of a trend in myself a few years ago. I noticed that every year around late march/early april I started to feel a bit blue. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel that way..it might be hormonal..could be atmospheric pressures..but whatever it is, it never fails to come around. I start to dwell on things that make me sad..and once I start dwelling on them, I can't stop. I know....whatever is holy..whatever is good-think on these things. But I literally cannot stop. It's better now that I'm not working at my old place of employment (Boy was I unhappy there! I didn't even realize!). I love my new job, I love my friends, I love my family..but I can't help but feel like something is missing. It's at times like these that a song like Jann Arden's "Good Mother" speaks to me on a deep level. At the risk of being all 'emo' and weird I'm going to post most of the lyrics. It's basically two verses and a chorus that repeats around it. Here goes:

Good Mother (lyrics by Jann Arden)
I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

And..repeat chorus..

It sounds mostly like an upbeat song-but the heartbreak in her voice as she sings of her mother and father, it's well..indescribable. If I can find a link to a youtube video of it I'll post it at the end of this entry. It's worth a listen.

Jann Arden is my muse...my siren even, in the times that I'm feeling like this. I crawl into her voice and her music and into her pain and wrap it around myself like a big, wooly, heated blanket. She has some upbeat stuff-but I skip it. I want to wallow. She speaks/sings what I can't speak or sing for myself-other than singing along with her.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anway), I'm not fun to be around when I'm like this. Yesterday was a Jann Arden music kind of day. Especially "Good Mother"..essentially I have all of these things going for me-money in my pocket...friends who love me..the color of my hair (thank you Karie Morgan for that, =)...but there's a longing there..for something more. What it is..I don't know. I just know I long for it.

Another song that speaks to me in these times is sung by one of my other all time favorites-Ella Fitzgerald. And if you don't have a healthy dose of Ella in your music library then you are sadly missing out, my friend. She sang "Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most". A sample of the lyrics:

Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Lyrics by: Fran Landesman)

...Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,
and to them I'd like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most.

I guess when it comes down to it-I'm tired of being alone. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but when Spring comes around..it just really gets me down.

Hopefully it'll pass by summer.

Youtube of "Good Mother"

Thumbelina...biggie sized....

2010-01-01T21:22:00.005-05:00

So, I'm probably like a lot of you-I stayed up too late last night ringing in the New Year and I'm really tired. In fact I'm surprised I'm still awake right now. I'll be heading to bed soon but first I had to get something off of my chest about something that happened to me today.

I ate my lunch in the food court of the mall where I work. I often bring my lunch to work and find it easier to relax for a few minutes if I leave the store where I work and get away for a bit. Sometimes I just buy lunch at the food court although, after five months or so the food court food has lost its sheen. Today I was joined partway through my lunch by a good friend and her hubby-both whom work at my store-and we had a great time just sitting and laughing. As we got up to leave one of the mall 'attendants'(!!?!? 'food court workers' 'people who go around and clean up the tables and sweep, etc?!?!?), tried to gain my attention as we were leaving. I thought maybe I'd left something behind at my table or whatnot so I turned to see what she wanted. She then proceeded to hand me an advertisement-mumbled something about her daughter having a showcase and that I might be interested in it--now, I pause to say that at this moment my friend thought that the lady was trying to hand me an advertisement to some kind of dance showcase and laughed-but I had looked a bit closer at what she was trying to hand me. As she turned it over it clearly was some sort of 'weight loss' management system that apparently her daughter was a rep for and that she thought, and I quote "thought I really could use". A little part of me died inside. I mean, believe me-I'm not blind-I know that I'm overweight. I see the stares. I hear the laughter that people think they hide. I see the looks I get when I go shopping with my 'normal sized' friends in department stores. But never have I been so flat out called out about it. I said no thank you-and the lady looks me in the eyes and says--"are you sure?". I assured her that I was, refused to take the leaflet and walked away-cheeks burning in shame. My friend, God bless her-was like..wait-what was that? And I explained. I could tell she was embarrassed for me. I handled it like I often do-made a joke about it and stuffed away yet another hurt down into that abyss. As we walked back to our store I made sure that I appeared fine, in spite of the blow just dealt to my ego.

If you've read my blog at all before you know how I feel about this kind of thing (see this previous entry if you had any doubt: http://reflecting-light.blogspot.com/2009/06/dear-editors-of-tv-guide-online.html). I believe that overweight people are some of the last few politically acceptable people groups it is okay to target with jokes and insults. I'm used to it. What was different about it today was to see my friend's reaction. Apparently it affected her even more than I realized-later she asked if it was okay if she sent an email to mall management about what happened. I said it was fine--and I remembered to be grateful. I'm grateful that there are people out there who can see past the extra folds and lumps and bumps-to see that there's a person in there. One who has built up a thick skin, but underneath is as fragile as thumbelina.

So, Happy New Year to all-2010 certainly started with a bang, hopefully the rest of the year will go a little bit better than it did today.

Wait, I still have a blog?!?

2009-12-06T01:08:00.003-05:00

I got a notification that someone posted a comment on my blog today and I was like..oh yeah. I have a blog out there in blog-land. Huh. Maybe I should write something!

Since I landed that job at the place that shall remain nameless I haven't had a spare moment of time because in addition to that job I also was afforded the opportunity to do something I really love--AND, get paid for it! Woo hoo! The director I worked with in the last musical I performed in asked me to music direct a show that he was doing for Generic Theater of Norfolk. Evil Dead: The Musical. I was hesitant at first, because of the title...but, it was going to pay a decent amount and I'd most likely be working with people I adored from my last show experience--except this time as their boss! Ha! That was weird at first, but I found my groove. The Evil Dead gig went really. really well. Like..ridiculously well. It got great reviews and a lot of buzz and I'm excited that I was able to be a part of it. While my main duties for that show were winding down another opportunity presented itself with another theater. This time it was at the theater I'd done "Zombie Prom" in earlier this year. They lost their music director for "Oklahoma!" at nearly the last minute (the week before auditions) and needed someone pronto. I cleared it with my other director and suddenly found myself at said auditions. That show has done really well and we're in the last weekend right now. Last performance is tomorrow actually. Sad. Anyways--in the midst of that rehearsal process (and as Evil Dead's performances ended), yet another opportunity presented itself through a friend I met at the place that shall remain unnamed. This time it was music directing (again) "A Christmas Carol", at Virginia Stage Company at the Wells Theater. Holy crap. This is getting real! I met with the director and wham, bam, thank you ma'am...I'm hired for that show as well. So, while Oklahoma is just about in tech rehearsals and ready to open I'm working during the day (with some equity actors, mind you) over at VSC in helping them get the music portion of their show in shape.

Wow.

So, that show opened this weekend...I can't go til next weekend since I have my obligations at "Oklahoma!", and I'm super excited to see the whole thing together. I feel really blessed to have been able to do what I love and also meet some really great people along the way in both the theater world and also in that retail world. It's such a great place to work and they've been really great about working around my crazy rehearsal schedules.

I might get tired now and then, but I still find the time to be grateful for the opportunity to do the things I love.

Oh, and I also still have my church job 2 nights a week.

yep.

So, that also explains why I'm writing this after 1 in the morning. It's the only time I have to reflect! Although, I don't have any other shows lined up until spring of next year. Sad. I won't know what to do with all my free time!

Maybe I'll start blogging more regularly (although let's not hold our breath).

Laterz

I had to delete my last entry...

2009-08-02T22:20:00.002-04:00

So I wrote in my last entry that I got a new job and that it was at a certain place. I found out over the weekend that I wasn't allowed to talk about that place in my blog...and well, since that blog entry was all about this certain place and I wasn't near my computer at the time--I just decided it would be easier to delete it rather than try and edit. So, suffice it to say-I have a new, part time job at a certain retail store that is famous for its need for confidentiality. I've really enjoyed my first week (other than trying to get used to standing on my feet for hours at a time), and I'm looking forward to working there in general.

Other than starting my new job I've just had the usual stuff going on...life, friends, family, reading...etc. I will be doing a lot this week for a musical that I'm music directing. Yikes, just typing that out makes me feel nervous. I think I'm more nervous than the people auditioning!

=)

So, anyways. that's about it. Nothing too exciting here..but I haven't posted in a while.

Freshly Sharpened Pencils

2009-07-20T00:23:00.003-04:00

I saw something on facebook today that got me to thinking and remembering so I thought I'd share. A friend of mine posted that she'd just bought her son's back to school supplies. Other than thinking-oh my goodness seriously already??!! I thought..wow. I miss that...

I loved the smell of new pencils (wooden #2s of course-none of this mechanical pencil nonsense), a new, shiny, trapper keeper (b/c obviously last year's care bear one is just TOTALLY out of style), some fresh composition books, and a pencil box to hold all of your pencils and erasers and ballpoint pens. All of it! I loved it! And all of these are things that I associate with my Granny Ada. My mom and dad weren't poor by any means, but we definitely had some fun times trying to make ends meet and one thing Granny would love to do is buy me things, and hey-I was a kid-of course i was okay with that! One of our special, yearly trips was the trip to get back to school supplies. I'd agonize over which trapper keeper I would be able to bear for a WHOLE year, and she'd patiently wait and weigh out the pros and cons of each choice with me. She was such a loving, generous human being...i find myself actively missing her every now and then, even though it's been 18 years since she passed. Wow, is that right? 18 years? It seems like yesterday and ages ago all at the same time. Anyways, seeing that facebook status update took me back to all of that in an instant. It's funny how the mind works, isn't it?

I miss you, Granny Ada.

"Pushing Daisies" (You will forever live in my heart)

2009-06-14T22:58:00.004-04:00

Photo courtesy: of the worldwide interwebz. No copyright infringement intended

This Blog is Dedicated to Bryan Fuller-the creator of "Pushing Daisies"

Last night ABC aired the final episode of "Pushing Daisies". And with it now ended, a little piece of me has died inside. If you've never watched the show then please get on it. The first season is already out on DVD and the 2nd (and final) season will be out on July 21st. I wish that the writers would have had a little bit more time to finish the stories they had intricately weaved into existence in this show. As it stands, they did the best they could in a (maybe) 30 second long wind up of (most) of the open ended stories. What remains a mystery-does Ned ever find his Dad? But, that's okay. I'm sure they did the best that they could.

As I finished watching the show tonight, and I realized what they were doing to try and appease the loyal fans, tears began to stream from my eyes. I mourn the loss of this treasure, the stories that will remain untold, the characters we'll never get to meet, and the songs we'll never get to hear Olive randomly burst into....I am sad for everyone involved and also for myself. Pushing Daisies was the place I went to in the current television climate for a respite from all of the annoying reality shows and overactive teenage hormones. The only other show I've cried over ending was "Gilmore Girls", and that was different. It, at least, got to wrap up its story-lines with a little more time (no thanks to its creator who almost destroyed it before she left over contract disputes with Warner Bros, but I digress), but I wasn't sad that it was ending-it really was time. I was sad that I wouldn't have my 'old friends' around with me every week anymore. But it's different with "Pushing Daisies". I wept because it was taken before its time, and I have a feeling there will never be a show like it again.

L'amour...blah

2009-06-09T17:44:00.006-04:00

So, I turn 32 in a little less than a month (YES! Jenn and I are the same age for um..a month..ha!) Having reached this ripe old age lends itself to some self reflection. Something that keeps coming up and won't leave me alone is the "why are you still single" question. Please believe me, if I knew the answer to this question I WOULD TELL YOU! Now, don't get me wrong-I'm actually in a much better place than I have ever been before when it comes to this ol' love thing. In fact, I'm feeling so rational about it now that I'd like to tell myself about it. So, here you have it. A letter to myself, at various ages, going backwards through the awkward annals of my ill fated crushes and awkward dates:

Dear 28-29 year old Shawna,

You are showing great character by the person you have chosen to fix your affections on, but believe me when I say this-he is not the right one for you. It turns out it was more being in the right place at the right time (or, wrong time wrong place, really), that you even fell for him. Believe me when I say this--you WILL get over him, and you will actually be happy for him when he finds the right one, and marries her. Trust me

Dear 25-26ish year old Shawna,

What on earth were you thinking? He is not right for you, and you thank God now for letting you dodge that bullet.

Dear 20-21 year old Shawna,

Wow, this one was tough, but I promise you that you will get over it and be happy to be friends with him, to this day. Really.

Dear 18 year old Shawna,

Okay, that was awkward-you thought you were hanging out with just a friend and he showed up in a tie. Don't laugh at him, and try and have a good time. And, well-good call on not going out with him again. Really.

Dear 11 year old Shawna (yes, it was a long, dry spell),

Please keep on being excited about being asked to the 6th grade dance by that boy. Even though you found out the next day at school that you were like, 5th on the list of people he called and asked. (Wow, those catty 6th grade girls words still sting to this day). Although you weren't his first choice, you still could have had a good time, but you let your pride get in the way. You will continue to wonder whatever happened to that guy, and wish him well, even if you weren't his first choice.

Dear 10 year old Shawna,

Charlie is just your class buddy, do not try and have a dance with him at the 5th/6th grade dance. It will not go well.

p.s. that leah girl is after him too

Dear 10 year old Shawna,

You will continue to carry a love for Vincent of the tv show Beauty and the Beast. He's a good catch--a romantic, a poet, a protector..and, well, yes he also happens to be a teensy bit like a lion. This is okay. He only kills the ones that threaten you! On the other hand, Commander Riker of the Starship Enterprise is a good alternative..again, good choice. All he has to do is get over his thing with Counselor Troi and you're right in there.

So, there you have it...my romantic history. I've never actually dated anyone and most of my 'dates' have been unintentional and/or weird. I'm hoping that since the rest of my life sucks right now (yes, still unemployed although I do have an interview today) that something will give and the right man will fall into my path. Wherever that path may be.

Coming soon....my adventures in the weird world of online dating!

DEAR EDITORS OF TV GUIDE ONLINE!

2009-06-02T16:59:00.005-04:00

Photo found at: http://www.tvguide.com/PhotoGallery/Fat-Guys-Hot-1005918/2.aspx

FAT GUYS WITH HOT WIVES

Dear TV Guide Online,

A few years ago I remember reading an article in your print magazine that angered me so much that I actually tried to call in a complaint. I think I got someone from subscription services who frankly didn't know what I was talking about, but apologized anyways. The article in question at the time was something to the effect of "Fat Guys and the Wives They Don't Deserve". I let it go at the time, but then I see through the Twitter feed today that you've gone back to the easy target of 'fat people' by including a link to this gem of a photo essay (I use the term lightly): http://www.tvguide.com/PhotoGallery/Fat-Guys-Hot-1005918/1.aspx

I'm not a fat guy, but I'm a fat girl. There, I said it. I can stand to lose quite a few pounds, so can a LOT of people. So maybe I'm a little more sensitive about this, admittedly, but I still think I have a valid point. If their issue had been with the laziness of the writers involved with the show in using cliches to portray storylines, I might have let it go-but no-they merely were amazed at how these so-called 'fat guys' (I really don't think Jim Belushi should be included here, he's just solid!) were all fictionally married to these really hot wives and how they don't deserve them. Why? Apparently because they're fat. And if you're fat-apparently you're not allowed to fall in love with anyone who does not match you physically.

EXCUSE ME?

I've realized for some time now that overweight people are the only remaining group that it is okay to ridicule in today's so-called politically-correct world. Since when is it okay to make fun of someone for what they look like? I thought that was passe? But no, it's a double standard that will continue to prevail when articles like this nonsense continue to be published. I love TV Guide Online. I really do, I am 'friends' with Matt Webb Mitovich on Facebook and follow his updates closely on the shows that I watch, but I really find it frustrating when rubbish like this is posted.

I have already direct messaged you about my displeasure (thank you for following me on twitter, that was very convenient), but I really needed to get my feelings out in a space that holds more than 140 characters.

I've already used this term in another blog post today, but I'll say it again. Shame on you.

Sincerely,
Shawna

So, It's Been a Week...

2009-06-02T16:42:00.002-04:00

and I'm feeling better.

mostly.

I have my moments.

Sometimes I hesitate to write what I'm feeling on here, thinking that it might be 'too much', or 'too raw', but then I would be lying to everyone. I hate being lied to so I don't think it's fair for me to lie to you. I felt better that night after some prayer and having lots of people pray for me, and I'm taking steps towards what I hope will be gainful employment, they're just agonizingly S L O W steps. Ay yi yi.

Anyways, I don't really have any news on that front right now other than I have another interview of sorts this weekend, so prayers would be appreciated! It's for a part time job that I think would be really cool, AND a welcome financial addition to my current income. If I could work the church job playing piano, this part time job, and also pick up a few vocal students, then I might be okay--for a bit anyways! I have a few more employment opportunities of the full time sort that might be more of a 'down the road' kind of thing. See what I mean by slow?

In the meantime, "Working", the show I was in, closed this weekend. We had a great run and I really loved the experience. I'm contemplating auditioning for one more show before those long term employment opportunities come along, but--the show is kind of far away--and..I don't want it to interfere w/my part time job possibility. So, I just might let that show go. There'll be other shows for other times. You can't do it all, you know?

I went to see "Up" today and oh my word, I loved it. I cried, I laughed, I cried again, and then I laughed again. It was a great story, and I hope everyone gets a chance to see it. I love that AMC has $5 admissions Mon-Thurs, it really saves me alot of money.

Of course, when seeing a movie there are a few things that always tend to annoy me. So, here's a letter to the offending parties:

Dear Lady with Two Small Children Not Yet Old Enough to Sit Through a Whole Movie,

I'm so glad that you got the chance to come out, but I really do not enjoy watching a movie with your kids constantly running up and down the aisles, calling to each other, 'whispering' to each other (have you heard a toddler whisper? I think it's louder than their normal speaking voice), whine for "THEIR" popcorn, and make a general nuisance and commotion of themselves. But I guess I should have been thankful because when you finally gave up and left halfway through the movie (hooray!), I hadn't realized that you were distracting me from an even worse offender. So,

Dear PISTACHIO NUT EATER FAMILY,
O M G. Why, out of all of the snacks in the ENTIRE world, did you choose to bring PISTACHIO NUTS to enhance your movie experience (and therefore practically ruin mine)?!?!? Not only did I get the joy of hearing you crack them open with your teeth, I also got to hear the awesomeness of the discarded shell hitting your makeshift garbage tray in the seats next to you. I would like to thank you because previous to this experience I thought that having someone pop their chewing gum was the the worst possible thing to hear in a movie theater. You proved that there's something even more especially heinous in nature. Shame on you!

Sincerely Concerned about the Future of Movie Theater Etiquette,
Shawna

Stay tuned readers....I have another blog coming up in just a jiffy. That's right! It's a two blogs in one day kind of day!

So, the black hole is winning again...

2009-05-26T18:17:00.003-04:00

I thought I was down before, but now I actually feel physically depressed. As in, something is pressing down on me, preventing me from feeling happy or joyous about anything. It's like a physical force that is controlling me mentally as well as spiritually and physcially. In order to figure out why I was feeling this way I decided to look up depression on dictionary.com and this is what was written:

de⋅pres⋅sion [di-presh-uhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
6. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
7. Economics. a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely or remain at a very low level of activity.

I would say that definitions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 7 could be definitions of my life at this very moment. For some reason I'm just really going over in my mind all of the failed job opportunities that have come about in the last five months. Five months of rejection can really get to you. The one that's really smarting right now is the SEO (search engine optimization) company. I keep going over the interviews in my mind, wondering where I went wrong or what I could have said to make them go with me instead of "another candidate" as they so coldly wrote in their email of rejection to me.

I see no point in getting out of bed in the morning.

I try to fill my day with things that are useful, or 'fun', but most days-I'd rather just be asleep.

I have no health insurance, so I can't even seek help with how I'm feeling by talking to a professional.

I'm disappointing friends who count on me.

I take no joy or pride in having earned a Master's degree.

I only have enough money in the bank to pay my bills through 'maybe' July.

I feel down. and so low. I thought I would get better with a friend visiting me this past weekend, but now that she's left I feel even worse.

Please take this blog for what it's worth-I'll probably feel better tomorrow. But, for the 21 of you who have sometime visited here--just pray for me, please.

wishin', and hopin', and dreamin'..and prayin'

2009-05-19T17:06:00.003-04:00

So, I just filled out yet another application. This one is for something I'm not even remotely qualified for (except that I have a master's degree) so--TAKE THAT all you people who call me OVER QUALIFIED!!! =)

Seriously though--this would mean a major life change so it's scary to me. And exciting. I'll post more about it when I can!

So, I saw "Wicked" again today...

2009-05-14T16:53:00.003-04:00

lol..yeah. I did. No judging! You're just jealous! Or maybe you're not--but I don't care. I got to see "Wicked" again!

They're doing a lottery thing, just like they do in NYC. Basically you show up 2.5 hours before the showtime, turn in your name and how many tickets you want, wait til 2 hours before showtime and then they draw names. There are only 10 sets of tickets (20 tickets total) so that's a limit of 2 per person, paid only with cash ($25) and a valid photo id. There was a show at 1pm today so I figured my chances were good to get in..and boy was I right. I was the only one there til about 10:45 (I got there at 10:15, I think we've established my dorkiness), when only one other person showed up. Anyways, while I was waiting a woman and a young man approached me, asking if I was waiting for the lottery. I said I was and she was like..GREAT! Would you mind going on tv? I was like..ummm...what? Apparently our local news (Channel 13) was doing a story on the lottery and they were afraid no one was going to show up at all since it was a strange time for a show! So they interviewed me, asking questions about the show and what I liked about it..etc. I really have no idea what I said. It was kind of surreal at this point. Plus, I was afraid that people were going to show up and ruin my chances of getting in! They were all excited when they saw someone else coming over too. I got to talking to the other woman who showed up and turns out we both go to the same church--and I was like..oh, you might have seen me singing there sometime. She looked at me and was like..OH MY GOSH. You are like a CELEBRITY to me! I thought that was hilarious--if you know me at all, I am NOT a celebrity. lol...she was like..you..and that other guy that sings--are you guys like..dating, or married? She gave a physical description and I just laughed...she was talking about my Dad. I explained that no-that was just my dad. So funny. Anyways...it was really cool to meet her-she hadn't seen the show before and was really excited about it. I had seen it before, and was really excited about it =) It finally turned 11am, we got our seats (Front row, almost center) and I went home..got Mom, and we headed back to Norfolk to see the show-again!

Now I've been going over my songs/lines for tonight-I have a show tonight! I hope I don't go out there just singing songs from Wicked! =)

Oh, and another thing--if i had a job-I wouldn't be able to do these kinds of things. Having a job can suck it! =)

So, I saw "Wicked" again tonight...

2009-05-14T00:44:00.003-04:00

Before I get into my blog..I'd like to laugh at my blog titles recently. They are all basically starting out with "So...such and such, blah blah", it makes me feel like I'm naming an episodes of "Friends". Did you ever notice that most of the episodes were titled something like "The One where Ross and Rachel Get Hitched" or whatever..."The One With..." was their thing, apparently "So" is mine!

Anyways, I got to see "Wicked" again tonight. I love it so much. I mean...LOVE it. I remember when I first bought the soundtrack on CD (who buys CDs anymore?)..I liked it..alot. But then, I fell in love with it. I think it was the track "As Long As You're Mine" in combination with "Defying Gravity" that did it for me. Something about it just really speaks to me. I always wanted to see it on Broadway (especially when Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel were in it-LOVE them) and finally did get the chance thanks to my amazing cousin. He and Dakota, Jenn and I took a trip to NYC in December of 2007 to bring in the New Year. So, that was when I got OBSESSED with the show! I knew I wanted to see it again, but knew I couldn't afford it on my own, so I just tried to be okay with the fact that I had seen it at all (a lot of people don't get to) and move on with my life. Then I went to England last year...and guess what's playing in London? At the Victoria Garden theatre? Yep. Wicked. On our last full day in London Mirachelle and I spent the last of our money going to see a matinee. She twisted her ankle in the street on the way there-but that wasn't going to stop us from seeing our obsession! (She was as into it as I was, thankfully) Bless her heart, she really was a trooper that day! I still loved the show-but it was way better on Broadway (sorry, London). Then the tour came around here, FINALLY and I was able to see it again. So, that's three years in a row of seeing Wicked and I think it makes up for the fact that I never got to see it with Kristin and Idin--and I could do with seeing it a lot more times, and I think it makes up for the fact thaa. Til I'm tired of it-although not sure that can happen! They're holding a lottery for $25 tickets like they do in NYC and I'm so going down there for a chance to see the matinee tomorrow! Mom and I don't have much anything else to do!

Oh! And I'm famous...sorta...

2009-05-11T22:25:00.003-04:00

not really--but! The newest musical I'm in has a TRAILER! ha! We're so cool. So, check it out! I'm the one singing at mark 1:29 (for about 15 seconds, so pay attention!)

The Interview That Was Over Before it Even Started...

2009-05-11T20:43:00.004-04:00

So, last Thursday I was out shopping for grad party supplies with Mom when my friend texted me asking if I was still looking for a job. Anyone who reads this blog realizes that the answer to this question is a resounding YES! So, she explains that her boss has a friend who is looking for a front desk receptionist for the dental practice where she is the office manager and would I be interested? At this point in my life I can't afford to not be interested, so I said yes and she emailed me the contact information. I called the woman later that afternoon and set up an interview for Monday afternoon. Fast forward past graduation party (fun!), commissioning (long! and boring! but nice!), "Working" opening night (we rock!), and Commencement (HOTTT! and LONG!)...in other words, a really busy weekend capped off with seeing "Star Trek" last night with the 'rents (great flick!) which also reminded me why I like to wait til the theatre is less crowded. The general public is gross, but I digress. I am doing some AP proctoring this week for Kempsville High School (Thank you, Missy!) so wakeup time was 6am today (eek, haven't seen pre-8am on a regular basis in a LONG time) so after that I grabbed a quick lunch with Jenn (yay) and then realized my shirt had a spot on it. Not acceptable for an interview! Ran home, changed the shirt and headed to the dentist. I should mention-I have a fear of dentists. I mean, I LOVE my current dentist--she's great! But my childhood dentist kind of ruined things for me-he was not gentle, ever-and generally smelled of garlic and tried to talk to you about whatever NPR program was on at the time..expecting answers when you have 14 balls of cotton in your mouth. But again, I digress. I was about 10 minutes early for the interview so while I waited I had time to sit and reflect, so I took out my moleskine and started to write about how I was feeling:

"So, today I am interviewing at a dentist's office. I know that it probably won't be a horrible job-but everything in my being is screaming nooo! I don't even know anymore what it is that I want to do. I mean, I'll be pursuing the career switcher program to get licensed to teach music K-12, but I'm not even sure that's even what i "want". Part of me wonders about what I would have done if I'd never been eliminated from my job at Regent. Would I have just stayed until it was no longer healthy? I wasn't always completely happy there but I was content. Maybe that's the problem. I got used to being content. Content is dangerous because it's so comfortable that you never want to leave. I got used to being there. Took it for granted that I'd be able to leave when I was ready. I was not ready when they told me that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff. Shocked. Hurt. Anger came later. And stayed. Fresh from earning my master's degree-I have no idea what I want to do and feel that I'm not really qualified to do much of anything. Well, except for singing. That I know I can do! But who's going to pay me on a regular basis to do that? I'm not good enough (or disciplined enough more like) to be an opera singer-and I don't love singing that way. I love music theatre-but if I'm serious about doing that then I need to get serious about losing this weight. The weight is out of control. I can't fit into my old skirts even. I'm lost. And alone. In a crowd. Waiting for an interview that that I don't want-but need. Simultaneously hoping/fearing that I'll get the position. Sounds like it's time"

At that point a woman comes out and introduces herself, says that normally she'd have me 2nd, but the original contact was busy with a meeting so they were flipping things around. We chatted for a bit as she told me about the job-I did my best to appear engaging and interested in how they run things there (not hard, because I did genuinely find it interesting-the office had a great vibe), told her a little about myself and then she went to see if the other lady was ready for me. As she was I then headed to her office-this is where things get interesting (finally, right? =) We shake hands and both take our seats and she finishes up typing something on her computer. She is glancing at me from the corner of her eye, but I pretend to not notice. She turns to me and says something like (I don't recall verbatim sorry)"now-I don't want you to take this the wrong way (and I'm thinking..good Lord, what did I do wrong already?)...but I looked at your resume after you sent it on Thursday and basically-you're over-qualified to work here. I was going to call you and let you know, but I figured you must have needed a job pretty bad to come in for this interview and I thought maybe by meeting you in person I could get a feel for what you're about. So I didn't call, and really any interview experience is good, no?

At this point I just kind of stare at her. I want to jump up and say YES! YES! You're RIGHT! Thank you, good-BYE!

But, I still need the job...I kind of hem and haw for a bit, and then I just decide to be as frank with her as she was being with me. I said, yes-I realized that this wouldn't be a dream job for me, but in today's economy I really can't afford to not follow up on any opportunities presented to me. She nods in understanding and we discuss my master's degree for a bit and what I did with it and what I'd like to do with it..and she says, before I worked here I was in the media business and I still have several contacts out there..how about I forward them your resume with an email explaining the situation. So, that's what she proceeds to do! I thank her, of course and kind of marvel at what just happened while she's composing it. Who knew that when I walked into the dentist's office for a job this afternoon that I'd walk out of there with four good leads which I WILL follow up with....but no actual job...Life is funny, no?

Okay, so perhaps I was a bit of a drama queen the other night..

2009-05-07T00:14:00.002-04:00

But, I stand by my freak-out. For good or for bad-it happened, and I"m not going to apologize for it--well, maybe a little. I do think that I hide what I'm feeling a little too often and appear happy go lucky to people, when honestly-I'm not. I think that's why I like blogging-because I can be a little bit more real here. No one is looking at me. Anyways, I ended up just needing a new key for my Vue--it cost $7.42. Labor was around $24 so my whole cost for my car repair was $34.16. SOOO much better than what I was dreading. So, anyways. I'm here today to let you know--things can be bad...and it's okay to rant about them. That's why God invented blogs =)

So, um...2009? Yeah, you can SUCK IT

2009-05-05T01:23:00.003-04:00

That's how I'm feeling tonight. I have been having trouble with the ignition on my Saturn Vue (2003) for awhile now. Usually I can 'jiggle it a little' and it eventually turns--but tonight, it just wasn't having it. An hour and a half later I'm waiting for a tow truck (with my knight in shining armour-dad) in the theater's parking lot, wishing that I could wake up from the nightmare that is currently my life. I know, same old story, blah blah blah--I'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing about it as I am talking about it. In fact, I was chatting with a friend on the phone earlier this evening and I realized that I would much rather just talk to her about her problems and sympathize with her issues than get into mine. She asked, like the good friend she is, and I said I'd rather just not talk about it since i'd probably cry if I did happen to talk about it and like the good friend she is-she let it slide. Speaking of that good friend-I kind of messed up this weekend with plans with her-and the gracious, fabulous miss thang that she is forgave me. Friends are awesome--if you don't have any-I highly recommend you work on that. Anyways..add this car trouble to the lastest in the litany of problem assailing me. It's not even worth it to keep count at this point.

p.s. i'm watching "The Negotiator" on Bravo right now b/c that's what was on when I turned the tv on. I had no idea that Paul Giamatti was in this. I mean, I watched it when it first came out, back in the day (kevin spacey, samuel l. jackson--good stuff)..but it's fun to watch movies later and be like..hey! I didn't know that guy was in that! weird!

An Explanation

2009-04-13T17:24:00.002-04:00

So, when I posted last I did not know how to put what I was feelng into words. Now it's Monday, about two weeks later and I'm still not sure I know how, but I'm going to try. You see, on the Thursday before Good Friday (me and major holidays do not go well together) my temp position was downsized due to the economy. It wasn't personal, it was just one of those things that happen when your company's sales are down to almost half of what they were the previous year. They decided they could handle the work with just the temp they already had and a part time person. So there I am, once again, made redundant (as the British so eloquently put it). So, let's so do brief recap of the last four or five months of my life, in no particular order other than how things come up in my brain:

--position of eight years eliminated
--graduated with master of arts degree in communication
--looked for lots and lots of jobs. Nada out there
--registered with temp agencies
--auditioned for a musical and made it (yay). Where I have also made many new friends.
--hired for a temp to hire position
--auditioned for another musical. Got in. Yay! More new and wonderful friends made
--laid off from temp position
--get in the Virginia Beach Public Schools substitute teacher system (have yet to get an assignment)
--apply at lens crafters (friend works there)
--randomly hear from a company that I pursued back in February, come in for 2 interviews, get really excited about it after the 2nd interview only to hear from them (via email of all things) that they went with another candidate. That one really stung.
--Freak out!
--hear about a position from a friend I met in the newest musical--which I've now applied for and hope to hear from....sigh
--Lens Crafters has yet to call, I checked with my friend and he said they've just been really busy.

Meanwhile, I receive my last severance check this week and I'm getting nervous about paying bills. I have some thoughts about my possible future and steps to take but I have some tests to pass first, and also need to get my feet wet on the sub teaching thing, to test myself. I am in the process of transferring all of my 403(b) (like a 401(k)) into a personal IRA through Fidelity....if things don't happen with a job soon I'm going to have to cash it out and pay off most of my bills (sadly, after penalties it won't cover all of my debt, but it'll get me really close). I am really trying to see the silver lining in the situation I am in. I know I should be grateful to at least have a roof over my head (thanks to my parents) and food to eat (too much! really need to lose weight)....so I promise you, I am grateful. But this year so far has really, truly sucked. big time.

there are no words

2009-04-09T22:59:00.001-04:00

to describe what i'm feeling this evening. So, just know..that I'm out here..feeling things...that I can't describe.

well, i've been gone a long time..

2009-04-02T00:27:00.002-04:00

pretty much since I started that new job and rehearsals kicked into high gear! I promise i'll let you know about all of these things when I have a moment to decompress...until then..this is just a post to earn another entry in a giveaway! Sorry! Here is the info:

http://www.thebigpieceofcake.com/2009/04/as-good-as-cake-giveaway-bags-by.html

Check Kate out, I found her through my friend, Ainsley...I really enjoy her blogs.

That dark hole is getting bigger...

2009-03-06T10:38:00.003-05:00

So, my 'service engine soon' light came on yesterday morning, just after I left the dentist's office where I had a couple of tiny fillings put in and some touch ups on some other fillings. I love my dentist, she knows about my employment situation and they only charged the insurance-no copay! I'm very thankful for that as I found out today that the repairs on my car are close to a thousand dollars. One. Thousand. Dollars. I'm glad that I've been holding off on any extra spending...as it is my parents are going to have to help me out (so I don't have to put part of it on the devil card). I held it together in the service rep's office for about five minutes, but then the waterworks began. I was so mad at myself for letting myself cry in front of them, but seriously-I've just had enough. My recurring mantra is-when God? when is going to get better? when will this hell end? I know that I am a lot better off than a lot of people out there-I have a roof over my head and food to eat-thanks to my parents--and if worse comes to worse and I don't have a job at the end of April I can go ahead and cash out my retirement and pay off my immediate bills....but..I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder what the heck God is up to. I hate being unemployed. I know He has a plan for all of this, but heck if I can tell what it is at this point.

**UPDATE** I was offered (and accepted) the temp to hire position for $8.50/hour. It's a start.

Sometimes the dark hole wins

2009-03-04T09:40:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I gave into wallowing and self pity. I read back through some of my blog posts from the last month and noticed that I've mostly been upbeat about being unemployed. Well, I'm here to tell you-I am not upbeat about this everyday. In fact, for the most part, I'm freaking out about it under the surface. I don't know what the answer is. Today I am turning in m substitute teacher packet and then I have a temp to hire interview at 12:45. Neither of these things thrills my heart, and yet I'm trying to find the silver lining in them. Even if it's not a job that I love, at least it'll be a job (if I get it). I'll go and try and make the best impression possible and then cross that bridge when I get to it. It only pays $8.50/hour....but at least it's a job. And you can't turn that kind of thing down--and no one says I have to stay there forever. In the meantime, I'll just keep looking. And praying.

Dark hole--go away!

Why?!

2009-02-23T11:56:00.004-05:00

Is there some kind of rule in life that if one part of life is going well, then other parts therefore will not be doing quite as well? That's my life right now. I am having trouble dealing so I'm going to just list the things out that are bothering me...and those that are going well. I love writing a blog because even though it's out there for everyone to see-it still feels like a personal catharsis time for me to be able to write it all out. And lists make me feel organized. I actually started this blog post on Monday, but wasn't able to get my thoughts wrapped around it until today.

1) Friends with medical problems-I have two very dear friends that are dealing with serious medical issues. I wish that I could just have some kind of healing hand and just touch them and make them well. They are awesome people who are taking everything in the right spirit--being positive and trusting in God to provide for them, so they've been good inspirations-but seriously, God? What gives? Please take my friends' pain away.

2) Family with medical problems-my awesome Pop-Pop started chemo on Monday. He said it wasn't too bad, and so far he's not feeling any ill effects (I think it helps that the treatment is going straight into his bladder). I want my Grandparents around for a long time yet-so he has to get better, and soon!

3) Family drama-my mom's brother, the youngest of five, has had his share of problems over the years. His latest problems unfortunately affect the family-over a year ago he got into some trouble with the law and Monday he finally had to face the consequences of his actions. He was sentenced to six months jail time and now we're all trying to figure out what to do with his dog (so far my other uncle is taking her-but he's allergic), and also with his houseful of 'stuff' aka 'crap'. He rented a house down at the beach so he'll lose that while he's in jail. It's just a big mess.

4) I'm worried/excited/scared about the show I'm in. There are new layers of things that I'm concerned about with it, but I'm not sure that I'm at liberty to say what those are yet.

5) Still unemployed.

Now for the good

1) I ABSOLUTELY love the people I have met doing this show. We have been referring to ourselves as bffs (best friends forever), especially since spending most of Saturday with each other (thinking about a few people in particular). We decided last night that we're just going to keep trying out for shows as a group and insist that the directors have to take us all =)

2) My Mom and Dad-they are amazing. 'nuff said

Um..that's about all that is going well right now. I mean, I'm in pretty good shape most of the time-but sometimes things can just pile up and get you down. That's when I turn to God.

Maybe I should do that now. Yeah =)

"Zombie Prom" excitement!

2009-02-20T00:03:00.005-05:00

Here it is! The poster for "Zombie Prom"! The director sent it so that we can start promoting it through various means. I AM SO EXCITED! I'm not in the show a whole lot, but when I am-I'm having a blast. The director and crew are amazing and my cast-mates are SO much fun. It has been so great getting to know everyone. Some of the over-21's (as we refer to ourselves) went out for karaoke after rehearsal last night and we have plans for even more of us to go out on Saturday evening. Yay! We call ourselves the over-21's because there are actually quite a few high-schoolers in the show-bless their hearts! I love them too, but I haven't been around them as much as I am an 'adult' now. Sigh. =) I did not realize just how much I missed being around the creative theatre types. We're definitely of a special breed! I've got the bug so bad now that I'm actually considering trying out for another show! Yikes! It would coincide with commencement ceremonies though, so I'll have to think about it and figure out if it'd be too much of a hassle. Not saying that I'll get in, of course! Just trying to think through the logistics of being in a show makes me crinkle my forehead.

On another note--I'm watching "My Fair Lady" on TCM right now. I used to watch this movie every. single. day. Seriously. I still remember 90% of the words/dialogue. It's kind of scary actually--just how many lyrics are running around in my brain-and are they taking over where they shouldn't? Like, is that why I'm not good at long division and stuff? Too many lyrics? It's strange watching it now though, as a 31 year old and not a 13 year old. It's more obvious to me that it's not Audrey Hepburn singing. She had a vocal dub for the singing parts alone-the word on the street is that Ms. Hepburn was very upset by the studio's decision to do this as she had recorded all of the music when they went with Marni Nixon (I think that's her name-she's also the singing voice of Natalie Wood in "West Side Story" and Deborah Kerr in "The King and I". Yes, i know too much about these things! I did go to film school though) I watched a special on the movie once and they played part of Ms. Hepburn's singing and I really don't think she sounded that bad. But, the studio was king in those days and things were done differently than now.

So, yeah. Still no job-for those who are wondering. I have some prospects (hopefully) but, it's not looking too great these days. Sigh....

To accent, or not to accent

2009-02-16T17:49:00.004-05:00

Something I have never really understood is the use of accents in films that take place in a different country. What am I talking about, you might ask? Well, take "The Reader" for example. The movie mainly takes place in Germany, yet all of the dialogue is spoken in English....with the actors employing German accents. My question is, why bother? You're already not following things realistically by not having your actors speak fluent German so why bother to speak in accent at all? It's not just the Reader that does this...pretty much any movie that takes place where English is not the primary language. This got me to wondering about things..as a singer of opera I had to learn to read foreign languages phonetically and also to understand what I was singing about so that I could properly interpret the song. Why don't actors have to do the same? Oh, I know the typical answer is that the viewer is too lazy to be bothered to read subtitles...but seriously--why even be bothered by the actor's accent if it doesn't 'sound' right then. It's inconsistencies like these that frustrate me, but don't keep me up at night. And that's my 2 cents!

Okay..so what I tried didn't work

2009-02-10T23:56:00.002-05:00

That could be my theme today! But, alas..I have tried again and I think that I successfully set it up for my blog to feed to Twitter. Over your head? No worries. This is just my test run. Hopefully this will show up in Twitter at some point. Maybe not til tomorrow night though-I need to think about the frequency of the checks.

Learning the blogosphere ways

2009-02-09T22:52:00.003-05:00

Since I've had quite some free time, I've been researching how to make my blog more available to the average web surfer. I've added some meta tags and have been analyzing 'who' is looking at my blogspot through Google analytics, and also I've recently added my 'follow me on twitter' area to the right of my posts (you may or may not have noticed). Now I've added an extra step and (hopefully) will be feeding my blog automatically into Twitter. This is kind of my test post to see if it works or not.

There's no real reason that I want more readers, other than everyone always wants their '15 minutes'. It's not like I'm going for ad money or anything (although that'd be nice), and in fact I have been reading articles lately that seem to think that not a whole lot of money is to be made, at least not how people were predicting they would in 2005. Anyways, I'm just curious and while I have some free time I thought I'd give it a whirl.

So...I almost became a 'skilled laborer' today, except. not really

2009-02-09T12:36:00.002-05:00

So last night I hear from my parents that a friend of ours is working at a temp agency. I'm like..score! Gonna call him! So, I called him this morning and he, frankly, seemed surprised that I wanted to go with their agency. I thought it was odd, but put it off to thinking, well maybe it's because we know each other. About an hour or so later I go and look up the company online, yeah.. umm..turns out..they mostly work with the local shipyards providing skilled laborers.

pause for a moment while you picture me holding a blow torch or some sort of tool

Except you can't. Because I am so un-handy that I am known to use a butter knife as combination hammer/screwdriver.

Yeah, so I emailed him to say um..thanks, but no thanks. Now I feel like an IDIOT!

Just another day in unemployment land...

I did go to another agency this afternoon (doesn't look hopeful) and called another that I have an appointment with tomorrow. Hopefully something will come from it! 'Til then I just keep trucking and applying daily for the Ellen show..speaking of...better get my app in!
Signing off...

What are you focusing on?

2009-02-08T20:06:00.002-05:00

So, while I've been unemployed I have had a lot of time alone with just me and my thoughts so this past week i decided to try and fill my week with more activity. If I have a plan for each day then I'm more likely to not be trapped alone with my thoughts. Because my thoughts aren't always good ones. Not like I'm sitting plotting things-but I get very easily discouraged when left to my own devices. So I worked one afternoon this week at a charity I sometimes work with, just doing some office work to help with their mailing list (accurate records save them money for their mail outs!). I saw a few movies...worked on a video shoot with my friend, Dave, had lunch with different friends almost every day (which i need to lay off doing that-spending too much money on food!) Anyways, in the midst of my running around last week a good friend asked me what I'd been focusing on that day. I had to stop and think about it, and I had to honestly reply-well, nothing really. Nothing worthwhile at least. So you can take that for either good or bad--good-meaning that I'm not focusing on the negative aspects of my current job situation, or bad-meaning I need to be more on the ball with getting jobs! Hanging out and meeting people for lunch and seeing movies for $5 during the day is all well and good, but I am really ready to get back into a routine. So, you know..if you hear of anything, please let me know!

Oh, and about the focusing thing-she was coming more from a spiritual aspect. And, in that realm--I'm getting by. I have faith that God will provide. He's done it before, and He'll do it again...even if I'm not sure at this point just exactly how that will be working out!

Just checking in!

2009-02-05T00:45:00.003-05:00

So, I'm just checking in on you all. Whoever you are that read this =) I know that some of you are reading this on Facebook. I have my blog fed there in the 'notes' section as it was relatively easy to set up. If you are reading it there I would suggest you check it out on the actual blogspot page too: http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com. There's a delay in the loading onto Facebook so you'll be getting the info a bit quicker! Do you use a reader to read blogs? I tried Netvibes for a while, but I just didn't 'get' it so I switched to google reader, and suddenly everything just clicked! I would suggest that anyone try the service, it's pretty easy to set up and it's how I keep up with all of the blogs I read! Not only that but I get my daily dose of my favorite comic strips "Pearls Before Swine" and "Get Fuzzy". Good stuff =) So, there's my little google commercial. They really do know what they're doing..hey..maybe they're hiring! Gotta check that out. Yeah, I still don't have a job. I keep turning in my daily Ellen app (as I refer to it for myself) and I try and find a new job to apply to everyday, but so far it's pretty slim pickings. I'm staying hopeful and trust in God though. He will work it out, even if it does happen to look particularly hopeless at times!

Okay, that's all. I love you..whoever is reading this =)

Tux, the rascal

2009-01-30T00:19:00.003-05:00

DO NOT TRUST THIS FACE! HE'S NOT AS INNOCENT AS HE LOOKS!

Mr. Tux has been a busy kitty. In the last 36 hours he has:

-woken me by sneak attack (not an unusual activity actually)
-fallen paws/chest first into a 'not so clean' toilet
-fought me on getting cleaned up after his toilet dunking
-aimed for the window sill
-missed window sill and I looked over to see him hanging by his front paws...looking at me like..um, what now? then he let go.

i have not laughed like that in a long, long time

-knocked a plant off of a dresser
-knocked a second plant off of a dresser
-broke the pot of the 2nd one, effectively making a big mess
-'explored' the refrigerator
(explanation: he likes to jump in the fridge when we open it. We can't keep him out! So, Mom couldn't get him to come out tonight and decided to just leave him there. I rescued him. Please don't call PETA on us, it was for 15 seconds tops)

It's like having a toddler on speed in the house!

But he's so cute, you can't help but love 'em!

Biding my time

2009-01-28T11:50:00.003-05:00

Cathartic writing: COMMENCE!

Some days I just feel like.... "ARGH" in my head. I may not always express it outwardly, but I have those days...and they seem to be getting more frequent. I have lost track of how many positions I have applied for online across America, but I have not heard back from any one of them. I keep my daily application to the Ellen Show going...I'm sure they're 'loving' my stuff coming in every day, and I'm waiting to hear back about a semi-full time job that I applied for locally..but, ugh. I'm just not sure. I know what I really love to do is sing. Should I pursue that? How do I pursue that? I need equipment...and a songwriter better than myself to be involved. For all of these things-you need money. And currently, I am trying to hoard my money, because if you hadn't noticed--it's scary out there! I was looking at some different systems for recording my own music, but I really have no idea what I am doing. I've heard Finale is good..Cakewalk...but what about GarageBand? I mean, i HAVE garageband, wouldn't that be the best way to go? But don't I need something 'nicer'? And, also a real microphone to record it with. Anyways...these are the kinds of thoughts that I get caught up in, and in the meantime-I STILL don't have a job. I know I'm not the only in in America with this problem and that scares me even more. There are a lot of us out there, all looking for new positions, which means there's even less likelihood of getting it because of the hundreds of thousands of people applying for it that have better qualifications and...okay. stop.

deep breath...

another deep breath....

I believe that God is in control and I know that He is teaching me something about waiting and being patient and trusting in Him that He can work it out. It's just that in the meantime, my human 'freakout' side is having a heyday of freakingoutedness. Seriously.

In other news, we had our first read thru for Zombie Prom on Monday evening, it was fun..my character gets to be surly and mean. Love it! =) I won't even have to 'act' that hard! =) Kidding....the scowly faced girl did get the role that I was going for, but it's okay. It turns out I know her from another life..and she's had a really rough life so if she wants to be scowly faced, I'm okay with it.

That's it for now. Cathartic writing: cease!

So, I didn't get the part..but!

2009-01-23T17:27:00.004-05:00

I got the call just a few minutes ago from the assistant director. When it was him and not the director I had a feeling that the news was not the one I was hoping for. But I'm getting ahead of myself. So I got the call, and he's like.."we would like to offer you the part of"...and I have to admit I was like...YES! I got the role! YES! and then he said "Ensemble cast" and "Stage Manager of the TV Station" and my heart fell just a bit. Just a wee bit though. I told him yes, I would love to accept these roles, and he said the first read thru would be Monday and I said "See you then!". Yes, as previously pointed out--I am a dork.

Anyways, after my initial disappointment the feeling that followed was relief. If I had gotten the lead role, oh man..I don't know if my nerves would have survived! I have not acted for real since college (graduated in 1999 and the chorus parts with Virginia Opera don't really count), and I really just want to be part of a show again! I think I need to get my feet wet in the chorus before treading the boards (that's theatre talk) in a lead role! So, there it is. Some relief, disappointment, and mostly-excitement. I think the show is going to be a lot of fun and the people I met at the audition are really nice..hopefully they'll be in it!

Okay, now the not so nice thing that I want to say is--I hope that the scowly faced girl did not get the role that I was trying for! She was mean! And she could sing, but not great--but..I have a feeling it's her because her reading really was the best in my estimation. I will find out Monday I guess, and report back of course! I can't wait to post pics of rehearsalw and whatnot. This is going to be fun!

"The Callback"

2009-01-22T23:03:00.002-05:00

So tonight was the night! I had my calback audition for "Zombie Prom"! I got there pretty darn early for a 7:30 call, as in, I pulled into the parking lot at 6:57. What can I say!? I like to be on time! For things like this at least. So I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes and waited for more people to come and once they did I went in. So, I was up against three other ladies for the part of Miss Strict (see previous post for character description). Not to sound conceited, but I was definitely the best singer out of all of us. Oh, our part had to go first before all the other parts, which I actually prefer so I don't have to sit there and think about things and get more nervous! So we had to learn a song from the musical and it was pretty darn funny. This musical itself is really funny. I liked the other songs I heard too, it's really clever. After the singing it was a ton of cold readings. This was the thing I was really nervous about. I don't feel that I am that strong of an actor. I like to play around and do improv kind of things and imitate people, but I think acting is different. I tried to take some chances and make my readings unique from the others, but I don't know. There was one girl in particular who had a pretty decent voice that I felt was a better actor, but I might be reading too much into it. We were done by 9:20 and the director said he should let us know something by tomorrow, or Saturday afternoon at the latest.

No matter what happens I am glad that I gave it a shot! You will all know as soon as I know something, promise!!

I am your callaback girl!

2009-01-21T11:30:00.002-05:00

Okay, I was trying to be cool there, and tie in a little Gwen Stefani....Hollaback girl...

it didn't work.

Anyways, I got a call yesterday from the assistant director of "Zombie Prom" (I love saying that name) and they want me to come back for the callback tomorrow evening at 7:30! Woohoo! and yikes! =)

I'll keep everyone posted on how it goes.

Now I better go shower...meeting Jenn at Chikfila for lunch in less than an hour!

Braaaaiiinnnsssss!!!!

2009-01-19T21:52:00.004-05:00

So, today I have been posting mysterious Facebook status updates. They were the following (and I quote):
"Shawna is trying to decide..."
"Shawna is leaning towards yes, for those who were wondering. And if I do this thing, I promise I will blog about it later"
"Shawna is halfway through the thing she was deliberating earlier. Moo"

So, what was all this mysteriousness about? Is mysteriousness even a word? Why is my blog today labeled "Braaaiinnnss!". Well, my friends, the wait is over What I was trying to decide to do tonight was try out for a musical. I haven't tried out for a musical since....senior year in college? (1999 if anyone is keeping track). I figured 10 years was long enough to keep Shawna away from her first love! MUSIC THEATRE!! (w/an re). So not only did I try out for a musical, but it's a musical with an awesome title. "Zombie Prom". Yes, you read that right. "Zombie Prom". How amazing is that?!?!? Anyone who knows me verrry well knows that I really enjoy zombie movies, especially "Shaun of the Dead". I don't know why I like them..they creep me out just as much as anyone else, but I just like them. I even managed to use Shaun of the Dead as a subject of study in grad school. Isn't grad school great when you get to write about zombie movies?!?! So, this afternoon I called my fellow music theatre friend, Sarah, to see if she would go audition with me, and she said she'd go for moral support, but wasn't sure about the trying out part. She came over for dinner and I managed to convince her to just give it a shot! So, we both did it, I was very proud of us. I sang part of "Baby, I'm Yours" and she did "Chapel of Love". The audition notice called for a doo wop type song or something from like Little Shop of Horrors, Hairspray, etc. Here is the synopsis of the musical, btw so you know what the haps are: (this is from ltvb.com)
About the show:
This girl-loves-ghoul rock ’n roll Off-Broadway musical is set in the atomic 1950s at Enrico Fermi High, where the law is laid down by a zany, tyrannical principal. Pretty senior Toffee has fallen for the class bad boy. Family pressure forces her to end the romance, and he charges off on his motorcycle to the nuclear waste dump. He returns “glowing” and determined to reclaim Toffee's heart. He still wants to graduate, but most of all he wants to take Toffee to the prom. The principal orders him to drop dead while a scandal reporter seizes on him as the freak du jour. History comes to his rescue while a tuneful selection of original songs in the style of 50s hits keeps the action rocking across the stage.

I auditioned specifically for this part: Miss Delilah Strict (30s-40s) - Basically she is Stalin in pumps and a dress. School Principal; icy and hard on the outside with a heart of gold. (Should have good comic timing - think Carol Burnett or Bette Midler)

There was another lady there who I believe was going for the same part, but I think I sang better than her (from what I could hear). Is that conceited? =) Her dancing was more 'in character' though, because I really am NOT a dancer..but I gave it a shot and that's all that they wanted to see.

So, I should hear tomorrow if I get a callback, which will be Thursday at 7:30, and then we'll know if we're cast by Friday. Eek! I hope I get something, at least. I really miss being in a show.

Thanks for sticking with me today on Facebook, I know it drove some of you crazy, but hey--that's what I love to do!! tee hee.

hey, why not...

2009-01-19T16:50:00.002-05:00

My friend, Ainsley is giving away a piece of jewelry today and you get a second chance to win it if you post about it on your own blog, so here I am! The jewelry is very beautiful and available at an etsy shop, located here: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6711024. Check it out, and then wish me luck. This is the necklace I fell in love with:

It is official..

2009-01-16T13:24:00.001-05:00

So I am writing this blog entry while I wait in my granny's car with my mom. We are waiting for her to come back with prescriptions for Pop. He had some surgery yesterday (please pray that the tumor is benign) and is at home now, napping. Actually, Mom is napping too, in the backseat. Anyways, it is official. I got the email this morning that my degree has been posted. Woohoo. My transcripts are in the mail and diploma will be on it's way soon. I can hardly believe it. I am excited, but also not. It's been tough trying to stay positive while job hunting in these uncertain times. The one thing I am certain of is that God has a plan. Where I fit in that plan is still tbd, but it's coming! I can feel it!

Oh, and I am still applying to the Ellen show almost every day. I hope that is where I end up!

Also, this was all typed on my iPhone. I love technology!!

Panera Day again

2009-01-13T15:01:00.003-05:00

So maybe Tuesdays can be my Panera day....? I came last week, and now today..which is Tuesday. I think.

I came to my blog today to write all the crap I've been feeling for the last few weeks...because if a blog up on the worldwide interwebz can't be a cathartic place to write how crappy you've been feeling, then what can I ask you? But when I got here and set up my mac...the gentleman sitting across the way from me decided to involve me in his dialogue on politics and the economy and what did I think about it and blah blah blah...all because I have my 'I voted' sticker on my computer case. So, caught up in an unwilling dialogue, not wanting to be rude--I did subtly not quite pay attention to what he said hoping he'd take the hint, but people like that never do, do they? Anyways, I finally had to gently tell him that I was working on some things and really needed to concentrate. He acted a little bit hurt, but he went away....I'm thinking, hey it's not like I was the one that asked you over here! I am sure that he's just lonely and I should have maybe drawn him towards a discussion about God or something, but honestly I was just tired and didn't feel like it. Sorry, God.

So, instead of writing about how discouraged I am today you get this. I don't know what this is. But I think I'll list some things out that I've been thinking about/doing for the past few weeks:

1) I went to Lynchburg to hang with Shelah for a few days. We had an awesome time of just lazing around watching Psych and going to see movies (Bedtime Stories and Bolt) Love you Shels!

2) I went to see Slumdog Millionaire yesterday. I had wanted to see it before the Golden Globes, but didn't get a chance. After it won 4 I convinced Mom to go with me to see it. It was in a word, amazing. Go see it. Now.

3) I have applied for some more jobs...shocker...

4) So far I have not heard back from any jobs at all

5) Some of the jobs are in England

6) Yes, I'll be okay with moving there

7) I missed getting my application into the Ellen Show yesterday--I've been applying every weekday. I hope they don't hold it against me..missing a day and/or applying every day! lol

8) I need to write the lyrics for my song..and then figure out how to record it...and then do a music video to it..paging Dave Daniels...

9) I finally watched 'Commentary! The Musical" which is the musical commentary track on the Dr. Horrible DVD. I guess listened is a better description than 'watching'. The show is on, but the whole commentary is in musical form. I think the songs are even better than the ones in the original musical. The Whedon brothers are so creative!

10) I'm crushing on Neil Patrick Harris. he hosted SNL this weekend? Did you see it? He's great. Too bad he doesn't like girls...sigh. isnt' that always the problem?

That's about it. Crazy man is now on his 2nd victim (after me). I'm going to be leaving Panera soon...I've gotten enough out of my house today I think.and I have my church job tonight. yay

Oh, I read 1 Cor 8:37 today. well, that whole last part of the chapter really--and it helped me feel better about things! You should go read it.

Don't get me wrong...Tux is great but...

2009-01-12T00:04:00.002-05:00

he is insane. It was like he woke up one day and was like..."hmm...i bet that thing that walks around on two legs would taste mighty fine in my kitty mouth. I think I'll take a few nips!"...Or, maybe it was something like.."wow, those two legged walking things really take their appendages for granted-I should attack them so they appreciate them more". These thoughts usually hit him around 10ish at night and 7am in the morning. Good times...sigh.

Here's a pic of his royal highness in mid-bite to give you an idea of how tasty my fingers appear to be.

Tales of the Unemployed...

2009-01-06T15:13:00.002-05:00

That title makes this blog seem like something cooler than it really is. Or maybe it doesn't, or maybe I'm cooler than I think. Whatever it is, I was going stir crazy in my house today so I decided to shower (yay) and head out to my local panera (aka free wifi). That way I can still be connected and get things done, but be in the public...where people look at you. So, I've been looking at people, people watching I guess you could say. The guy at the table cata-cornered from me moved b/c the people next to me (and behind him) are really loud. I have my iPod on though, so they're not bothering me. I thought the one lady was blind, but she just has really squinty eyes. Then there's another guy a few tables away that keeps taking his macbook (looks like a pro) with him every time he gets up. Relax, man..we're not ALL out to get you. Only some of us. Who am I kidding? I'd probably do the same. He just looked really funny carrying his open macbook (pro..? or NEW macbook?) with his panera plate and coffee mug. I should take all of these people observations and put them in a book or something one day. Or not. I came here to 'write', theoretically. There's that script that I started for a class that I've yet to finish. I think it could be good...and funny. It's hard to write funny. But, I don't know..I just don't think my talents lie in script writing...I can edit..but coming up with something original to say is really hard. Have you ever tried? A lot of the time for me it just comes out sounding like something I think Tina Fey has already said--and said funnier. So, yeah. This is day three of business days of unemployment. Well, besides my part time job at the church. I have that tonight, and tomorrow night. I keep applying all over the place..I know someone's gotta bite somewhere! I don't even care where. Speaking of, I need to get my daily application in to the Ellen show. It's only been two days in a row so they probably haven't noticed yet. I remain ever hopeful though! OKay...blogspot is acting weird..I better go. I have much more people watching to do..and 'script work'. right.

Late Night Musings...

2009-01-03T01:09:00.004-05:00

I got a kitten. It probably wasn't the best decision financially at this time-but Tux has been a great distractor for my life issues. He's adorable and I can't imagine life without him. Here's a pic for everyone to enjoy!

Well, today was my first officially 'unemployed' day. I celebrated it in true style by sleeping in a little late, seeing a movie in the afternoon, and basically (with the exception of aforementioned trip to movies) spent the day in my pajamas. This is going to be really weird. With the holidays it was easy to just think of it as holiday time, but now it's January and people are heading back to work and I'm still flailing. I've applied all over the country (and one out of country-one guess as to where =) and just tonight have updated my monster.com account with a recent resume and cover letter. I've also decided that I'm going to apply to be an intern at the Ellen DeGeneres show like..every day. Seriously, I think she likes tenacious people and I've decided that the worst they can do is get a restraining order out against me! I applied once before, on a whim, while working on my Comp Exam. That was before the eliminated position day though. Now, it's for real and it's no holds barred. I will be relentless!

Speaking of Comp Exams, btw--I passed. And, I got an A and A- in my classes, respectively. All that remains is for the school to process my paperwork and my former coworkers to post my degree and send me the (golden) three final transcripts in the mail...and eventually my diploma...and it's official! That exclamation point is fake. I'm really not feeling it. I won't even walk until May, and really it's been kind of odd. Finding out about my job issues really took away a lot of the joy I was feeling about finally (finally) graduating. Maybe it'll come back when I see that transcript with Master of Arts written across the top.

I'll keep you posted on my job searches. I think I'll probably be either working for a temp agency and/or volunteering at a local Christian organization in the meantime. Plus I still have my church job. So, I'll still be as busy as I have always been, but now I can watch tv or read a book without any guilt!

I think I should go watch my own video...

2008-12-11T11:12:00.004-05:00

I made this with some friends for a class this semester. Watch and enjoy =)

http://vimeo.com/2300159

I tried to embed, but blogspot wouldn't let me. Meanies! =)

**UPDATE** Try copying/pasting the link into your web browser, sorry!!

"well, at least..."

2008-12-10T16:19:00.003-05:00

So, I took a temporary pause in blogging there for awhile. I didn't plan it, but life got in the way. I was just so busy. I'm still busy, but I'm about to be less so. Within the next week or so I finish up my Master of Arts degree...finally. Yay... but today I got some news that kind of makes that 'end' bittersweet.

I got laid off today.

Yep, you read that right. Laid off. I'm just another one of the thousands of Americans going through this...one of the crowd...nothing special. I keep telling myself things like, well, at least you finished your degree in time to keep tuition remission. Or, well, at least you get a few weeks to get used to it (it's effective 12/31)...at least you'll get three months severance. A lot of people don't get that much.

And you know what, I know all of that is true. But right now..in this moment. It. SUCKS. I may feel differently about it in a few minutes, or tomorrow, or next year...and be thankful for the timing and how it just worked out so perfectly. But right now. IT. SUCKS.

That's all I'm going to say for now. I think I'm still in shock. I just found out 4 hours and 23 minutes ago.

Not that I'm keeping track.

I stood in line 2 hours and all I got was a muddy shoe....

2008-11-05T22:45:00.002-05:00

I'd love to see that t-shirt! I had to walk through some mud puddles to reach the end of my GINORMOUS line at the polls yesterday, effectively stepping in one puddle that nearly stole my shoe. But I did not let it deter me! I was there to vote! We all were! The section there is where I nearly lost my shoe..yikes!

So, it has been quite the time in America lately. Everyone and their brother, and the sister, and their cousin, and their neighbor's cousin's sister's aunt has had something to say about the election. I am both enamored and annoyed with America. Enamored that we actually got off our duffs and voted--but annoyed, because...well...I voted for the other guy. I have heard passionate discourses from both sides on why their candidate is the VERY BEST CHOICE AND IF YOU DON'T CHOOSE THEM THEN THE SKY MIGHT FALL AND KILLER TOMATOES FROM MARS WILL APPEAR....AND THEN WHERE WILL WE BE? Ha. I think we'll be in the place God wants us. I'm glad that most of my friends who supported the 'other guy' with me and the ones that supported the winner are both broadcasting their trust in God and that He has this all under control. I look forward to the next four years and seeing what happens in America. No doubt that these are historic times, and I'm excited. I pray that the sanctity of life will be upheld and that big brother stays out of my paycheck!

So, thank you, America, and uh...fasten your seatbelts...I think it's going to be a bumpy ride!

And the winner of 'and guest'...

2008-10-13T23:44:00.004-04:00

My best friend, Shelah! She knows the bride and groom from her many trips here to Virginia Beach so it was the logical choice! One might say the bride even told me that was how it was intended. Lol..what happened was that they really really really wanted to invite Shelah, but they had to keep their numbers down and other people were to be invited-people like family and friends they'd known for years! So, the solution-invite me (their wedding singer) and allow for a guest. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Shelah and I had a great time, so it was a win-win (win) situation!

Oh, and the wedding was beautiful!

I am the WORST!

2008-10-04T11:09:00.002-04:00

I get so many ideas about what to blog about and I'm like..yeah, I'll get to that real soon. But before you know it, life gets in the way and it takes me another month to get on here and write something. So, what is it exactly that's been getting in my way? Let's list them. I like lists. They make me feel organized.

1) School-I am taking two classes right now (one online, the other in person) that are doing their best to make sure that I'm never quite restful. They both include an insane amount of reading that I'm hopelessly behind on. I also have a comp exam coming up, but everyone assures me to not worry about that-there's nothing I can really do to prepare for that other than just getting all my old textbooks out and brushing up on my MLA format. Even so, my stomach just got sick at the thought of it. This too shall pass, right? So, school is definitely something that is taking more of my time than it's fair share.

2) Church-not as much now as it has in the past, but I'm still at church 2 nights a week at my 2nd job. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job lately because I've been so distracted, but hopefully I can change that about myself soon.

3) Work-Work is SO busy. I feel that as soon as I finish one project, I have five more that bloomed and need attention immediately! Some things have shifted in the office and I've been doing some new things so, there's no rest for the weary or time to slack off there-I've got to come in bright eyed and bushy tailed. Not to mention that we were all out yesterday for a retreat in Charlottesville and then my boss and I are leaving tomorrow evening to go to a conference in Fredericksburg, VA. We'll be back Monday night, but that's another thing that's keeping me busy.

4) Friends-now this is the item on the list that I wish was taking the MOST time. I love all of my buddies and I miss them when I'm not always able to do things with them because of items 1-3 on this list. They all know that I love them (because I tell them frequently) and they understand. I'm pretty sure they'll still be around on 12/23 when my graduate school career has finally (finally) come to a close!

So, that's my list. That's what's kept me busy this last month. Now, shortly here are a few things I wanted to blog about, but never got a chance to (in no particular order, other than how they came up in my brain)

1) meeting Tony Hale (of Arrested Development and other works). He was SUCH a nice guy and I was able to take alot of what he said to us in a session to heart. I hope I get to meet him again some day

2) Political bumper stickers-why? Why do people put these permanent things on their cars? To me it seems like it's just asking for your car to get keyed or something? Political pen? yes. Bumper sticker? No thanks

3) Building a resume-I have had NO time to work on mine and there's a deadline coming up for me that I really need to get ON it so I can stop having that nag at the back of my mind.

That's about it---but hey-that would have been about a post a week, right? Now you get one giant blog and hopefully, I'll post more in the future..but at this point, no promises. Til then--take luck with your care!

September Already

2008-09-05T20:20:00.006-04:00

Memories....

As I went to bed this past Labor Day, after a day of being struck by a rampant stomach bug at my (bless their hearts) friends' family's timeshare in the Outer Banks, I had a little time to contemplate life and existence. Don't you often do that after staring point blank at the toilet bowl for a few hours? I thought about high school and junior high days and how I used to dread Labor Day because it meant the next day I'd be back in another school year, where I'd be forced to wear shoes everyday, put on something other than my bathing suit on a regular basis and be forced to read books I didn't want to. And do (horrified gasp) math! I can be such a contrary soul--tell me I "HAVE" to read something and my hackles rise! I'd rather read works of great literature because I want to enjoy them, not to be forced to find themes and analyze story structure (although now I do see the pros in doing so). Tell me I have to solve a math problem a certain way and I will try and figure out how to do it my OWN way. Nevermind if it works out or not....thank God for calculators is all I have to say.

Where it All Led Me

I often wonder, at 31 years old, what my life would have been like if I'd just been a little bit more disciplined with myself back in high school. If I'd just applied myself a little bit more. Sure, I took Honors courses, and even AP History (just the thought of that class makes my stomach clench in anxiety) and AP Music Theory (a joke of a class, if ever there was one). And I did well in these classes-even made it into the National Honor's Society (much to my own shock, senior year-lol) and graduated 'with honors'. I don't feel that I became a critical thinker. I was too content with people telling me how things were and accepting them rather than stepping back and questioning what was being thrown at me.

My undergrad degree turned out to be much of the same. Although minoring in English in my Senior year was a step in the right direction. Honesty time though-I only arrived at that minor after realizing I needed something to fill up some upper course hours in electives. Plus, I realized it would be cool to say that I have a Bachelor of Music in Vocal Performance with a Minor in English. Most people's response to hearing my degree: So, what do you DO with that? Me: Umm...go to grad school?

You Mean I Have to Work at It? Huh?

Speaking of music--I have the same problem-no discipline! Not to sound overconfident or anything-but I can sight read pretty well and so I was able to fake my way through a lot of years of piano lessons. I'm able to play, and am getting better every day now with regular playing at church, but I can't help but wonder what my skill would have been if I'd only applied myself back in the day. Singing also comes naturally to me. I love it, but even when I was majoring in it-I had a hard time making myself practice. I sound like a guidance counselor or your Mom, don't I? Be disciplined! Apply yourself! Question Authority! (well, maybe not that last one).

Now I am in the last semester of a long trek towards slowly earning a graduate degree, basically one class at a time. I'll be awarded a Master of Arts in Communication in the Critical Studies track (ironically). Most people's response to hearing what my degree will be: So, what will you do with that? Me: Umm...write?

Finding Your Passion

I was talking with a friend today about people who have passion. She was bemoaning the fact that she 'likes' doing a lot of things, but that she doesn't have a real passion for anything. Not that she's found so far. I think she's amazing at many things and that her passion will be revealed in due time, just maybe not in the timing she prefers.

As for me and my passion, I think my core passion is music. I love everything about music; listening to it, preparing it, composing it (although that's another victim of my lack of discipline), performing it, sharing it with others. There's nothing like finding that next new band and wanting to share it with everyone! It makes me feel alive! Not just the new stuff, but treasuring the music of the past as well. I feel the same way about film and television, although I feel less equipped to talk about them due to my lack of experience in it, although I'm working on it.

I will graduate this December with my future wide open. If you follow me on Facebook at all you might have noticed that status updates lately have been ones of hopes and contemplations for the future. I'm relishing the thought of the endless possibilities. I hope you'll be there with me.

So--Mom thinks she's funny...

2008-08-26T22:13:00.002-04:00

No, my Mom thinks she is just hi-larious.

SHE IS NOT. DO NOT BE FOOLED!!!

She is a sick, evil woman!

I came home from choir practice tonight, after having stopped at Wendy's to pick up a frosty for her and Dad. I'm innocently changing into my pjs, and think to myself, hey self-why don't you go ahead and turn on millie mac so it'll be ready when you're ready to sit down (or something to that effect). I look down at where it's resting on my footstool and promptly scream like a little girl. Actually, more like a yelp than a scream. Like..hearing a dog get kicked. I just know it came from a place deep inside of me. What caused such a violent reaction to my Mac, you might ask? Hmmm? Well, I'll tell you. Mom apparently found a dead 'staghorn beetle' earlier today and decided it would just be SO fun to put it on my mac to wait for me.....and cause a HEART ATTACK! She's lucky I didn't keel over right then and there! I have gotten better about bugs and creepy crawlies in general, but that was just shocking. Between that and the spider that's camping outside our front door, I'll be lucky to get any sleep tonight.

I have to hand it to her-it was well played. But vengeance is MINE!

*the bug that was actually on my computer was much darker and much uglier, but this was the best comparable image I could find in google images!

"And Guest" Please Apply Here

2008-08-25T10:15:00.002-04:00

Got another wedding invitation in the mail on Saturday. I knew it was coming eventually because I'm singing in this particular wedding, but it was still like-UGH! ANOTHER ONE!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends, but there's not much to look forward to as a singleton going to a wedding. The wedding is October 11th at noon and the invite was for "Shawna Lawhorn and Guest"*. Hrmph. Who will be my 'and guest'? Any takers? I have til Sept 27th to find one. A little over a month. It's hard being a single, old fashioned girl invited to a wedding. I want someone to go with, but I don't want to be the one doing the asking--so I'm going this route. Please apply here to be my 'and guest'.

* this post was written mostly with tongue in cheek, I am perfectly capable of attending a wedding by myself. In fact I've done it dozens of times...still...I can't help but hope....

Okay, I'm not dying!

2008-08-12T20:28:00.002-04:00

Not today at least! lol..thank you, everyone that has been concerned about my allergies. It's not like a hay fever thing--thank goodness, but really more of a drug allergy. So luckily I can avoid taking/eating the things that cause me to have an allergic reaction. The thing I'm not sure about is my brain, though---I obviously was not allergic to whatever I ate yesterday because I finished the sandwich and I was fine. So, take that for what it's worth. I'm still alive and kicking...and avoiding ibuprofen! =)

i have 'issues'

2008-08-11T13:38:00.003-04:00

Sitting in Starbucks today with my good friend and coworker, Heather...munching on a sandwich picked from their cooler while sipping on an iced grande vanilla latte (that I paid for with a gift card, score!)...everything was going great. It was nice to get out of the ol' office building for a bit, and it is simply gorgeous outside today. Then I felt it. A chill went down my arms....and I thought--NO, not again! I willed myself to CALM DOWN. DO NOT FREAK (speaking to myself in all caps is not very comforting, not surprisingly)....I stopped eating my sandwich and offered the rest to Heather. She was like..umm.no thanks? I took a few more calming breaths and began to explain why I had a bit of a wild look in my eye and seemed a bit twitchy...allergies. Specifically--food allergies. That I probably don't have. But that I possibly 'could' have,but haven't gotten tested for.

It all started back in college--I was taking some prescribed pain medication, only taking it when necessary...and not noticing until much later that a pattern was developing. Each time I took these pills I broke out in hives...combined with nausea, vomiting, blacking out and every time it happened, it got worse. But because I took these pills so rarely it took me a while to realize what was causing it. Once I figured it out--bingo--I stopped taking them and problem solved, right? Well, it turns out that they are part of the ibuprofen family--meaning I can't take anything like advil, alleve, midol...etc. Nothing with naproxen/naprofen in it. I've ended up in the emergency room twice after accidentally taking some products that contain what I'm allergic to, so--it's really not pleasant and now I know what the opening symptoms feel like. So any time that I now get even a whiff of that feeling-I start freaking out. And even if I'm not really having an allergic reaction, I still feel as if I'm having one because my brain is telling me--yes, you're having one!!!

So that's where we were today at Starbucks..Heather found it all very interesting and said I should blog about it..so I am. So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Developing some weird food allergies now? Was it the sesame seeds in the bread maybe? Don't they develop drugs from seeds? Maybe I should research the origin of the drugs I'm allergic to? Maybe I should see a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor/etc..?

I stopped eating the sandwich while at Starbucks but brought it back to the office with me and just a few minutes ago I finished eating it. So far so good. Maybe I can stop the psychosomatic allergies and just concentrate on the real ones!

Horrified

2008-08-07T12:08:00.002-04:00

http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece

A blog I read on a regular basis brought my attention to this story. It's horrifying, but ultimately redemptive.

Please check it out.

Wow...so..yeah, I've been back..for a month!

2008-08-04T18:17:00.002-04:00

TIME FLIES.

That is the theme of my post today. And of the post of my life really. Blink you and suddenly you are 31, eh? Time flies, but it also does not at the same time. It has taken me FOREVER to get to the point where I am in my Master's degree. I just finished a class (awaiting the C.S. Lewis class grade) and will soon be embarking upon my last semester. I can hardly even believe it. The time has gone slowly, and downright almost stopped at times (pauses in Master's aren't bad, are they?)....and now it is here. My last semester. Doubling up and taking 6 credit hours (while working both full and part time jobs) the past few semesters was really a good idea. But also, wow, am I scared. I have no idea what in the world I will be doing after I finish my degree. People ask me and I quickly change the subject! I want to write..I enjoy writing--but I also hate writing--lol..I am a quandry wrapped up in an enigma. Topped off with a riddle. I think what I mean about 'hating' writing (and I'm talking like..non creatively. I am not a creative writer. at all)...is that I hate the discipline of it. Because I have no discipline! You have to actually make deadlines and turn things in and like...write things on a timetable. I should have been pushing myself to do this more throughout the degree, don't you think? Ugh..no one to blame but myself. But, and wow am I rambling...I think for now I'm just going to focus on getting through this semester..maybe brushing up the ol' resume and sending it out and see if I get any bites.

Before I know it, it'll be December!

This is what happens when you leave your office for two weeks

2008-07-09T11:51:00.002-04:00

2008-06-22T10:21:00.002-04:00

This is me, in the courtyard of Hertford College (pronounced Hartford) in Oxford just before high tea on Saturday afternoon. Notice my fun scarf--I bought it at Marks and Spencer just a few hours before this picture was taken. I'm not really one to follow the fashion of the day..but I did notice that like..EVERYone was wearing these...and it was cheap(ish) so..what the hey? It has been an exciting time since entering this little country. There haven't been any hiccups in travels (thank you Lord) except for a missed bus because of a long queue (line) at the coach (bus) station...but it was no big deal because the next bus was leaving just a few minutes later. The Lord has been so faithful to hear my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones to keep me safe while I travel abroad (how my soul thrills at that description) and I'm looking forward to the rest of the trip. So, a bit of an overview of my journey thus far: Thursday was spent flying across the Atlantic..I had vowed to get some reading done but I ended up mostly just watching some of the in-flight movies: Fool's Gold (cute), Jumper (eh), and Penelope (loved it). My friend, Kerry, picked Mirachelle and myself up right at the gate at Heathrow and we went to bed around 1am (8pm EST, but we were dog tired-helped get through the jet lag). Friday we spent the day exploring the area around where Kerry lives, just outside London in Surrey (Sutton) and spent a quiet night at her flat as Mirachelle and I tried to read more (SO MUCH READING) and Kerry had a previous engagement. Saturday morning we got up at the crack of dawn to begin our journey to Oxford..I think our bodies have mostly adjusted to the time difference--or at least mine has, yay! We did a bit of exploring Oxford yesterday and met the others in the class and just this afternoon had our first lecture; an overview of C.S. Lewis's life. It was mostly things I already knew about him, but picked up some new tidbits along the way. Later this evening we're going to go to church for an evensong service, then we have the night on our own. This morning most of us chose to attend the service at the Magdelene (pronounced maudlin) College Church. They are famous for their boys choirs and I was able to record a bit during the service. Although I found out later that was strictly forbidden-whoops! lol Oh well, no one came and confiscated my camera! Anyways, this trip is only 4 days old and it's already a great one. I'll try and find time to write more later, as more happens, but I've got to concentrate on the reading again for now.

Oh My Word I leave on THURSDAY...

2008-06-15T23:27:00.001-04:00

And I'm bugging out! So much to do! So much to read! So much laundry..SO LITTLE TIME! AAAHhhhh

That's all folks. If you need me, I'll be freaking out =)

Been almost a week...whoops

2008-06-11T08:20:00.001-04:00

I am really trying to be better about keeping up the ol' blog! I have been having alot of fun figuring out my Mac--I've had two One to One sessions so far and I think I'm picking it up pretty quickly. Now I just have to make sure I'm retaining it all! Eek! So, really that's about it. Nothing earth shattering in this blog--just an ol' fashioned--how ya doin'?

List of random things on my mind this afternoon/evening

2008-06-05T17:06:00.003-04:00

1) The Mint Chocolate Chip Frap at Starby's is really good.
2) It's also really fattening. I can feel it forming fat cells on my thighs.
3) I was actually able to help translate something from French to English today. Madame Comstock would be so proud.
4) I have my first one to one training session at the Apple Store today.
5) I'm so nervous! I hate doing new things sometimes! Especially things not in my comfort zone.
6) I'm sure it'll be fine.
7) It is really hot out there today.
8) My backpack currently contains my macbook (i named it millie), my dell laptop, my external hard drive, and all of the various cords that go with these things. It's realllly heavy.
9) I am meeting Leigh for dinner after my Mac session. yay!
10) I'm going to read more C.S. Lewis tonight when I get home, and listen to it wherever I drive. You may laugh, but I'm getting it done AND comprehended (important detail).

That's all! I'll report back about my one to one session!

i'll gladly trade my Peas and Carrots for your APPLE

2008-06-02T12:12:00.002-04:00

I have joined the ranks of the mighty mac user. This weekend, with the help of my best friend, Pepe-better known to the world as Shelah, I bought a Macbook (specs: 13 inch, white, 2.4GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 2GB memory, 160GB hard drive, Double-layer SuperDrive). It is VERY nice. I don't know how to use it yet, but um...it's very nice! Shelah made me (well, encouraged me) to sign up for the one on one sessions at the mac store to help me get the most output from this new creature. I'm pretty good at trouble shooting on my PC, but I am a newbie at this whole mac thing. I'm looking forward to getting to know it though-yay! I may not be a 'genius' overnight, but I sure will have fun!

(photo courtesy: macnn.com)

Love, and other stuff

2008-05-27T23:17:00.005-04:00

Someone To Watch Over Me
by George and Ira Gershwin
There's a saying old, says that love is blind.
Still we're often told, see, and ye shall find.
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had...in mind.
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet.
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me where is the shepherd for this, lost lamb?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good...
to one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome
to my heart he carries the key.
Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed follow my lead,
oh, how I need someone to watch over me.

Sometimes things just can't be expressed better than how someone has put it in a song. The Gershwins especially speak to me on personal level. So, I don't know if it's just the springtime air or what but I seem to be surrounded lately by people in love, or just starting to date...or good friends finding out that they're finally pregnant (yay for them!). I've learned to be mostly okay with this whole 'have not ever dated' thing, but sometimes...I just want someone to watch over me. That's all.

Umm..wait, didn't I do that already?

2008-05-14T08:57:00.000-04:00

This is the question on my mind these days: "Wait, didn't I already do that?" I was talking on IM with a friend last night about various british tv shows that we both enjoy and I was having the hardest time remembering the names of actors and of the actual shows. I think grad school is warping my brain and wiping out my long AND short term memory! So, with that said, I can't remember if I announced on this blog or not that I got my grades for the Spring term--and I received A's in both classes! (yaaaayyyy!!!) So, that's about it. Now I'm preparing for my trip to NYC this weekend, and for the trip I'll be taking in about a month to England (woohoo!). I never really thought I'd be a 'planner', but I find the older I get-the more I like to have a plan. It's bothering me that the profs in my new course haven't posted any-hey-this is where you're going to go things on our blackboard site, but I'm hoping by the end of the week they'll have something up there. I need to know where I'm going!

Sunshine and Happiness

2008-05-07T16:10:00.002-04:00

Ahh...peace and tranquility....all of my spring assignments have been turned in...I don't 'officially' start my next class til May 12th....I can actually read a 'fun' book, or go see a 'fun' movie without guilt..these are the best days! Of course, it would be even more relaxing if work had slown down too-but no-it's Commencement this Saturday at Regent and the good times are a rollin'! So, I'm reminding myself, in the midst of all the craziness and saying goodbye to dear friends that are moving on--make sure I take time to stop and smell the roses! Or the daisies!

Exam Day

2008-04-30T12:20:00.000-04:00

Well, it has finally arrived...the last day of class..and I couldn't be more relieved. Well, actually I could-I'd be more relieved if we didn't have to take an exam today. But, that's neither here nor there--my friends and I have been studying and I feel like I am as prepared as I can possibly be. At this point, I just want to take the durn thing! But, one more hour..I can make it =) I think it's the same kind of mentality with which I approach giving a presentation in class-I just want to get it over with and go first!

This has been a really tough semester. I've been taking 2 grad classes simultaneously and both of them have been a lot of work, but the one I'm taking in person has been a little more attention demanding so it's captured alot of my time. Hopefully after finishing this exam today I can just bang out what I need to for the other class and the professor will have mercy on me. He's been cool in the past, but pray!

On top of school stuff both of my jobs have kicked into high gear lately. I've been given a title change at Regent. I'll still be doing the same old stuff but also doing some other records processing that have trickled down to me. In my time at regent I have gone from temp to records assistant to records processor to scheduling coordinator to the most recent-Senior Records Processor. That makes me feel old. The powers that be want to give me (and others who also had job/title changes) a raise, but it all depends on the ol' budget. I want to be like Tim Gunn and say-Make it work, people! Make it work! A pay raise would be much welcome when I'm going to England this summer. My other job, the one playing piano at church, has also blossomed into something else--and I will definitely get a pay raise there (yay) but I don't know how much at this point. Anything would be welcome.

Is anyone else stalking their mailbox for the economic stimulus checks?!?! Or, are you too cool for school and got it direct deposited...? I went old-school this year. Hopefully it will arrive soon. As I mentioned before..trip to England is looming!

Okay, that's about it for now. I might update later and let everyone (whoever is reading this) know how the exam went.

And whether or not I gouged myself in the eye w/a spoon during it.

Kidding (sorta).

To Everything There is a Season

2008-04-16T16:44:00.000-04:00

I attended a home-going service today of a dear friend of our family's. He was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that took him really quickly and at the young age of 52. It was sobering to think that he was so full of life not even a year ago when we were just hanging out watching our church's co-ed softball team play (his wife is on the team, I used to play but have switched to observing). His brother is in my dad's southern gospel quartet and his mother is in choir with my mom, dad and I-so, our families are really intertwined. I, in general, have a weird thing about funerals. I really do not care for them. My idea is that the person is no longer in that body, you know? They have gone into eternity--so why linger over it? I know it's about paying respects and gathering and remembering what impact that person had on our life, but it all seems macabre to me. I mean, I still go-obviously, but I guess it just seems weird to me. Today's service was a bit different than those I've been to before--by the time the preacher got up to preach the message there wasn't a dry eye in the place after hearing a touching eulogy. But the preacher was so clear in his presentation of the gospel and relating it to how our friend had accepted the Lord that I couldn't help but be glad that the Lord knew exactly what we needed to hear in this setting. I know that there were probably unsaved people in the crowd (and it was a big crowd!) so I pray that what he said today would cause a stirring in their hearts. I want them to realize that the hole in their hearts can only be filled by One-our Lord. As we walked out to the graveside, I looked around at the crowd of people and wondered. Do they know? Will they know? The sun was shining and the air was crisp with that warm spring feeling that still has a bite of cold to it. On our way to the graveyard we walked by a playground full of 2 and 3 year olds playing and shouting and laughing without abandon, and I thought-this is right. This is exactly as it should be. To everything there is a seaon, is there not?

Nothing but Vincente..all the time...

2008-04-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

If you ask me how I'm doing lately, I might just yell "Vincente Minelli!!!" at you and run away. This is because I am working on a project about the beloved director and lately I feel as if I am eating, breathing, singing, sleeping--nothing but Vincente Minelli. He was a fascinating man--check out some of his movies if you get a chance-never was a better visionary than Minelli...

2008-04-09T21:01:00.001-04:00

This picture is a perfect portrayal of how I feel as this current term wraps up. I'm behind in BOTH of my classes and by Jove, I'm a goin' nuts! So, if you don't see me around for a while...please check in my bedroom-I may have fallen and become trapped under an enormous pile of books and my laptop.

Sigh....off to take another quiz ....

Musings on C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia

2008-04-08T14:07:00.000-04:00

Well, not my musings on the well loved books. No, my musings would be short and elementary as in, wow, they are great. That Aslan ,eh? He's super. No, that just would not do. I have just returned from a lecture by the author of the book you see pictured on this blog. Michael Ward has come up with a theory so incredible, that even C.S. Lewis's stepson, Douglas Gresham is skeptical about its validity. Ward believes that C.S. Lewis, in a very secretive way (that he was known for) has hidden a deeper linking of the Chronicles of Narnia books together. He believes that yes , they are, as Lewis claimed-a story of Christ but they are also something so much more and significant. Basically, that Lewis intertwined the concept of the mediaeval cosmos in the books. He explained that there were thought to be 7 levels of the heavens and in order they are: Moon, Mercury, Venus, Sun, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn. Anything beyond that was thought to be where God existed. Each level has its place in astrology (it's a scary word for the Christian but here we mean it without harm) and in mythology. When using these levels as analysis Ward has found it easy to label each book as one of the levels of heaven. Namely:

Moon-The Silver Chair

Mercury-The Horse and His Boy

Venus- The Magician's Nephew

Sun-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Mars-Prince Caspian

Jupiter- The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Saturn-The Last Battle

Obviously, these are not in chronlogical order, but you get the idea-there are elements in each book that Ward would argue that contain the associations with the levels of the heavens. I don't know if I completely agree with him yet, it's been some time since I read the Chronicles, but as I prepare for my Study Abroad course in Oxford that is on C.S. Lewis I find it intriguing to be able to read the books with a 'new light' as it were. I was a child the last time I read them. I look forward to reading Ward's book to get his full argument as he didn't have near enough time to cover it all in a 45 minute time period. He signed my copy which was neat- not that I'm 'that' big on getting autographs ,but I have a feeling this book is going to be causing a great stir in the literary and academic circles.

What a year it has been (so far)

2008-04-06T19:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I canNOT even believe it is APRIL already. April 6th! What the? Where has 2008 gone? It has been SUCH a whirlwind. I should have known it would be by starting it with a trip to NYC for the last few days of December 07 and first day of January. The semester at school is not going as well as it should and most of that is due to my laziness, but also because I took a bit of a tumble three weeks ago. It has slowed me down significantly in the typing area. It is taking me forever to even post this thing! But, just to give you an idea of my year, thus far, let's do a little quarter year check up in no particular order, other than how i'm remembering things:

-Celebrated New Year's in NYC
-had lots of fun times with friends visiting me in town
-done lots of dog-sitting (shocker)
-bought a planner
-am actually using it to 'plan things'
-Taking two classes at the same time (not just a moduar or something, one online, one on campus)
-had a fun visit with Bridget and the boys w/my Mom
-Made some new friends at school
-got an awful case of the flu
-car repairs needed, warranty covered it (yay)
-lots of baby showers
-had a cavity filled
-went to see Michael Buble in concert
-got to hang out with his DRUMMER! We're totally BFF's now.Seriously, he wrote Jenn and is like..are you guys going to come see us on the last leg of our tour? (EEK. I AM BROKE)
-Went to see a touring show of Rent
-it was 'eh'. looking forward to the movie
-And, oh--yeah, totally ate it by slamming into a wall after my ankle rolled. In front of 15 people. Of course.
-facebook addiction grew
-discovered the lure of twittering (twitter.com)

AND...the big news..I'm going to ENGLAND in JUNE!!! Last week of June and first of July I will be in jolly ol' England on a Study Abroad course my school is offering. I might have to sell a few organs or my firstborn child to pay for it (ha ha, kidding) but I'm determined to do it without taking out a loan! Someone has already generously blessed me with a gift towards the trip--I'm in awe of how God takes care of me, time after time. I don't deserve it, at ALL! Anyways--got any odd jobs you need doing? For um, pay? I'll do it! No more turning dogsitting jobs down, that's for sure!

So, that's about it friends. Now that I've posted this link on my facebook page maybe more of you will actually read this stuff! Feel free to comment!

Love,
Shawna

Movin' on Over

2008-02-15T14:09:00.000-05:00

So, I had a blog at blogspot.com called http://www.mezzogrl.blogspot.com (feel free to check it out, it's been 3 years since I posted anything) and it would not let me sign in/post on it? So, I created a new one. Maybe it's because since I wrote last Google/Gmail has bought blogspot. I don't know. But anyways, this will be my new forum, so enjoy. I'm not sure what I will be writing here, but I'm sure it'll be fabulous.